Girls I Can’t Stand & the Ladies I Wish They Were

Among my husband’s friends, I’m just another “bro” in pearls. They see me and think “one of the guys”—just a better looking guy. Instead of being disinvited to manly events, I’m encouraged to join with a comforting (yet outrageous) smack on the back and off-color joke.

This doesn’t mean that I participate in burping contests. Please. I’m still a lady.

But this badge of honor means that I’m a safe zone for the grizzly man-bears. They can be themselves. They don’t have to pretend around me. And I know that neither my husband, nor his friends, ever feel the need to lie or sugar-coat anything when I’m within earshot.

Unfortunately, some girls just don’t get this. They don’t understand the benefits of being comfortable to be around. Some girls, in particular, are worse off than most…

Stage 5 Clingers

We know these girls. They can’t live without their boyfriends. If boys were silk shirts in the dryer, these girls would static cling to them like wool socks. Where are you going? Can I come? Let’s do everything together, FOR-EV-ER. In social situations, they’re the type that would rather watch their boyfriend’s reaction rather than what he’s reacting to. It’s disgusting. Come on, girls. You can bear to sit across from him at the restaurant. There’s no need to always sit. Right. There.

Princesses

Can anyone say uber high maintenance? Beware. This type of girl is one that most guys simply can’t stand. Princesses can’t get down and dirty even if you paid them to. They have no concept of how to dress to go hiking. (Jeweled sandals? Really?) Sometimes what the models wear in the magazines, and what you practically should wear, are entirely different. Freaking out because something gets scuffed or stained doesn’t necessarily scream flexible. When it takes you two hours or more to get ready every day, you’re beyond the point of acceptable to the male species.

Hussies

That’s right, I said hussy. You know who you are. When your tush is touching the chair you sit on because there’s not enough daisy-duke to cover it. When you twerk upon request and relish the gawking. When you’re covered in more glitter than clothing at the bar. These girls’ self-image is so messed up that they think throwing themselves at the nearest boy will land them fairytale happiness. Newsflash: guys do not respect these girls. They will use you and bring someone else home to mom.

Whiners

What do you MEAN you’re going out with the guys tonight? I can’t find ANYthing in this house, don’t you clean?! But I thought it was just going to be you and ME at the movies! …Seriously, be quiet. Where did you come from? Guys literally pray to go deaf when they hear whiney girls like that. If I had more time on my hands, I’d tour the country recording these girls, playing back their voices just so they could hear how ridiculous they sound. Guys who tolerate this type of girl are saints, but quickly lose their friends because they have no desire to be around the “wahmbulance”.

Deceivers

Womanipulation. I’m going to trademark this term. It’s not just manipulation, it’s the special brand that these chicks oh-so deviously spin to get their way. They give us a bad name. Girls are labeled manipulative. We’re assumed to say or do anything to get what we want. No, no! Only SOME girls do this. Most of us regular Josephines aren’t hiding our horns underneath our headbands. But those who are, cut it out. Learn to accept the world and quit trying to make everyone a pawn. Guys don’t appreciate being manipulated and won’t stand for it for very long.

Put down the toy pooch, turn off Gossip Girls, check your unbelievably annoying tone and listen up.

Men want women who are strong and independent enough to live without them. They want to be wanted, not needed. If you’re physically incapable of trying new things, the things that he likes to do, then don’t expect him to take much interest in yours. Even though you just polished that coffee table, put your feet up with his friends and have a beer once and awhile. Try.

Notice that I called every single one of the aforementioned archetypes “girls”. Most girls don’t know who they are yet.  They’re still trying to find themselves, so they look at others to find their identity. It’s my sincerest hope for every girl out there that one day you’ll be known as a lady.

A lady is recognized by the way she carries herself in less than perfect situations. She defines herself. Then one day, a man who truly deserves her walks into her life and wonders how he ever got along without her.

Love,

Em