I have to say I love y’alls blog it is packed with wonderful advice and I read it daily. So now to get to the meat of my reason for writing y’all. I’m 21 and ALL and mean ALL of my close girlfriends are engaged, and I have to say as a single woman (with no prospect in sight) I feel like there is something wrong with me. I keep thinking why is it that I can’t seem to get a date to save my life? and why do guys not seem take an interest in me? I know everything happens in Gods time but what can I do in the mean time? I sure do hope y’all have some advice for me.
I know it may feel like your Prince Charming was hit by a bus and you’ll never get to meet him, but trust me, your future husband is out there. Time is all you need, because God is preparing for the two of you to meet. And don’t rush! Marriage is no easy task, especially if you don’t wait on God’s timing. I’ve seen marriages after marriages fail because someone got the bright idea that marriage was the “next step,” when in actuality, a breakup probably should have been the next step.
A little over 5 years ago, I was 21 years old. One thing I can promise you, a lot can happen in 5 years! At 21, by my standards, my life was spinning out of control. Talk about being off track, I’m pretty sure I was a million miles away from where I wanted to be. I was dating a guy that I couldn’t even say, “I love you” to, and I had been dating him for over 2 years. Judge all you want, but I never said I was perfect. If anything, I’m nowhere near perfect. Thankfully, perfection isn’t normal, imperfection is.
Where was I supposed to be at 21? Probably not engaged and definitely not married, but I definitely saw myself progressing past a college crowd and meeting some charming smart men. Eh, but I wasn’t. Engagement? That wasn’t on my mind either. Sure I dreamt of it, I imagined myself falling in love with a sweet and Godly gentleman, but I wasn’t working on my character or pushing myself in the right direction to meet a man like that. In all honesty, I dated some men that I knew weren’t right for me, and it took some time for me to grow out of that.
Now, engagement at 21, I wouldn’t call that streamline – unless we’re talking about our grandparents. Most 21 year olds I knew that got engaged were in the military or met at church when they were 15 (and it was about time that they got hitched) The other portion of of young-engaged couples that I knew only got engaged because of pregnancy — sadly, that’s the reason for most proposals nowadays, even when you’re older.
Now don’t go off telling people that Diamond said don’t get married because you’re too young, that’s not true, if you’re ready, you’re ready! We’re all on different timelines. I’m just saying that for most, marriage shouldn’t be rushed. A lot of girls need to work on themselves first. Your teenage years can really do a number on your character. Not all, but most tend to have the “world revolves around me” complex.
I was practically a mess from 14-21.
14-17 – I thought I knew everything and my mother knew nothing. (Turns out my mother can predict the future.)
18-21 – I thought I was an adult, but for some reason all of my “adult” decisions were really immature. (I’d really like to smack 21 year old me.)
22 – I decided I couldn’t do life alone. This realization didn’t mean I needed a new boyfriend, it meant I needed God.
23 – I handed my life over to God and stopped looking for a man. I think God liked that, because I met my husband a few months later.
24 – I got engaged and married over a 9-month period of time.
That was my timeline, and I’m not saying everyone is on my timeline. If anything, I think I got married REALLY young! I know girls who range from 27-35 that are still single with no prospects. Does that make them old maids? No! I think it’s better to wait on God than to marry just any man. Marrying somebody just so you’re not alone is a really bad idea that typically ends in divorce.
And when that 29 year old finally meets her husband, I bet she will be thanking God, because she will know why it took her husband so long to get to her. Whether it be that he was still maturing, going through trials, changing, aging, etc… Whatever it was, God’s timing is perfect timing.
I know that my husband and I came together at a perfect time. Our hearts were both in the right place, and to be honest, at the time, we both weren’t looking for a spouse. We were both seeking God, earnestly. It paid off.
Long story short, marriage comes to everyone at different times. Whether you’re 18 to 80 – There’s a plan in it all. Whenever you obsess over a husband or meeting someone to marry, it probably shows your heart really isn’t in the right place and that you need to concentrate on God instead.
Think about your future husband. Think about every characteristic you’d like him to have. Now think about yourself. Would a man like that be attracted to you right now?
This is a tough question to answer, but it’s something you really need to think about it.
PS Ella, learn from your friends! You will learn so much about weddings and marriage from your girlfriends. Trust me, it’s better this way! Enjoy these years — they are GREAT years.
I met my husband when I was 21. Having previously felt like I was never going to find someone, i jumped at this first guy to come along and act somewhat interested in me. I was truly desperate to be in a relationship, and put the blinders on to all his bad faults. 22 years later I am getting the divorce from a marriage that should have never happened. I agree that you need to use this time of young adulthood, to find yourself, find what you enjoy, become a great person and then the right one will for sure come along. Also don’t look for your mate in bars!
Hey Ella, what’s the rush? Your bio clock ticking?! That’s really annoying. Are you saying that since I’m 30 and have had a couple relationships end, that I am a failure? Fuck you!
Great advice. At 21 I was broken hearted from my boyfriend of 3 yrs who cheated on me. We were engaged to be married once I graduated. Lucky for me his character was revealed before the nuptials. At the time I felt anything but lucky. Most painful time of my life but God got me through it. Letting that relationship go began my journey of discovering my identity. Now at age 31 I’m still single but finally realize the necessity of character for a healthy marriage. My 20s have been used to mature me and discover my purpose outside of a man.