When I married my husband, it was one of the happiest days of my life. Sure, it came with the expected stress of all the planning, and the unexpected disasters – beautiful disasters that made us laugh, and later became sweet memories – but it was an amazing day. Like most couples, we were thinking only about our future together, and it was filled with images of laughter, romance, babies, and vacations. But we didn’t really think about the hard parts.
But now, after a few years of marriage, I truly understand my wedding vows in a whole new way. It really is from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, and in sickness and in health… one really hard year has taught me this and now I realize that I can’t do life without my husband and God by my side.
When I was younger all I wanted to be was a mom. As a child I was obsessed with my baby dolls. I have this memory of losing my doll, Molly. I tried going to sleep without her, but I couldn’t. After lying in bed for hours, sobbing myself to sleep, my mom found her. I’ll never forget walking down the stairs and seeing my mom at the bottom with that baby doll. The joy it brought me is unforgettable.
I also remember the not so glorious memories – the day I found out childbirth was painful. I was horrified. I was about 6 years old, and I remember hysterically crying to my mom at the thought of having to go through pain to give birth.
Now, 20 something years later, I’m an adult. I’m married. I’m successful. I have a great job. A great husband. A great home. A great yard.
But I don’t have a baby.
This year I found out I was pregnant. Multiple times. But I don’t really have a bump or a baby to show for it.
What I do have though is a broken heart. In a couple days, on Christmas Day, I should be giving birth. But I’m not. Months after that, on my birthday, I was supposed to give birth to another baby, but I’m not.
Life has a way of playing pranks on you. Eh? I was supposed to be the mom, not the successful designer and career woman. This wasn’t the role I chose for myself. When my husband and I married – we weren’t expecting this.
We didn’t expect that we’d get the news of pregnancy, and have our hearts broken.
We didn’t expect that we’d see and hear a little heartbeat, and have our hearts broken.
We didn’t expect that we’d hear “it’s a boy,” and have our hearts broken.
That little boy broke my heart.
The older I get, I realize how complex life and heartbreak can become. I wish it were still as simple as a boy on the schoolyard breaking my heart.
This Christmas may be a sad one for me, but I’m entering it with a better mindset. Trials make us stronger, refine us, and make us realize what’s important. My heart may be broken, but the beautiful part is the way family, friends, and God can stitch it back together and give hope for the future.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11).
Ps. There was a baby born on Christmas, his name is Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace — and that’s the beautiful light at the end of the tunnel. Happy Birthday, Jesus!
I hope you all have a beautiful and very merry Christmas! Love you all.