I have been dating a guy for six months, and at the risk of sounding cliché, he is the answer to all my dreams and prayers. He doesn’t make me feel like an ordinary girl, he makes me feel special and unique, and makes me feel a deeper love than I knew was even possible.
My boyfriend has so much to offer and is so great to me, but I feel like I do not have much to offer him. I do not feel like I’m adventurous enough and I’m not particularly interested in politics, etc.. so I don’t feel like we can connect on that level. Additionally, my cooking sucks. I am an incredibly affectionate person, but sometimes worry about taking things too far. So, how can I show him how truly grateful I am, how deep my love is for him?
When I was a little girl, I learned that princesses like Snow White and Cinderella were wholesome and modest. I also learned through my Christian upbringing that true loving relationships wait until marriage for sex. My family never gave sex a shameful spin, but presented it as a gift of marriage. At the age of 13, I made a covenant with God that I would wait until I was married for a sexual relationship. I have always taken this vow to God very seriously. But I’m nineteen years old now, and not sure I still feel the same way.
I have to be honest, it just doesn’t seem natural to have all these feelings for my boyfriend, but have to wait until marriage. It’s hard to say no to sex when it seems like the next natural step. It has put such a strain on our relationship; it’s like this elephant in the room. We just want to get it out of the way so we can move on and concentrate on other areas of our relationship. I am ready to take this to the next level, but I also feel guilty, knowing that I made a promise to God. What should I do?
Brit (Name changed for privacy)
(RESPONSE BELOW FROM DIAMOND’S GRAMMY )
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I’m glad I caught you just in time, because as I always say, once the plum is picked, it can’t get back on the tree!
You are a brave and sensible young lady to step out and ask for help on such a sensitive subject. Before I start I just have to say that sex is not just something that you ‘get out of the way,’ It’s a serious step. So, I’m going to share with you a few helpful tips.
Firstly, it struck me right away that in your letter you did not mention a ring. Is engagement and marriage off the table? If it is true love, and you feel you’re mature enough for a sexual relationship, then why no commitment? If you have the full recipe for compatibility, including such things as the same faith, priorities, and dreams for a family, then you may be ready. But then again, maybe you’re not. Ask yourself if you are ready to stay with one person for the rest of your life, even if they snore loudly twenty years down the road, watch T.V all day, gain 30 or 40 pounds… or God forbid, something terrible happens, and he loses a bodily part in a car accident or serving in the military. Could you stay with him through thick and thin? You’re probably thinking, Wow, that just threw a bucket of cold water on an otherwise passionately romantic subject, but, maybe some cold water is just what’s needed. My question for you is, if you both are so completely in love as your letter suggests, then why no commitment?
If your answer to me, is that you’re too young, too broke, too scared, or don’t know each other well enough, then maybe you are not ready for a sexual relationship either. Sex, believe it or not is a major commitment. It changes everything. Once a woman has entered a sexual relationship, she automatically becomes more vulnerable, more possessive, and yes, more demanding; it’s in our nature. You could easily find yourself saying things like: “Why haven’t you answered any of my texts! And, “why were you talking to that girl again? You never say I love you anymore.” or, “I gave up so much for you!” (Yes, even grannies know about that texting business.)
Let’s face it sweetie, men are very sexual by nature, but once that itch is scratched, they aren’t likely to put much more effort into the relationship. Like I always say, Why buy the cow when the milk is free? It’s only the serious, emotionally mature young men, who are ready to work and mold a relationship into a lifetime commitment.
I’m going to give it to you straight, sweetie, there are a lot of unhealthy reasons why women have sex before marriage, before any real commitment. Some girls use sex and romance to treat emotional pain, others use sex to relax, and some even see it as an escape from the real world. And, then there are the gals who see sex as a debt to be paid or a gift of gratitude. But ultimately, almost all women see sexual intimacy as an emotional bond, a hope for something more. It’s a rare gal indeed, who has a jump in the hay with a boy, just for the thrill of it. In their heart of hearts, most young ladies are looking to fill a spiritual void. But, are any of these uses the true design and purpose of one of the most beautiful acts of God’s creation? Now, sure, it can be the by-product, but it’s not the purpose. I believe that sex was created, as the ultimate sealing of an once-in-a-lifetime vow. It is a passionate expression of love that brings you so close to one another. But Brit, once you’ve brought yourself there, you can never fully go back, and you can never forget, even if you want to! Allow me to explain.
My grandson told me about a recent discovery in quantum physics, called, particle entanglement. (I know, right?) This may sound like a rabbit trail, but I think it will, in an odd sense, help your perspective. Scientists cannot explain this phenomenon. If a particle is separated, making it two parts, and one half is sent away, even to another city, the particle that is left behind will adapt, change, and entangle to become just like the other! They become as one again. Now, doesn’t that sound just like what the Bible says? The good Word says that when a man and a woman marry, “the TWO will become as ONE ….and let no man separate them.” (Mark 10, 8-9.) God is always ahead of science, so this particle entanglement jazz, is a good reminder of what happens in sexual intimacy. In a sexual relationship, separate identity’s can begin to blur, and staying two separate people can become a struggle. Even after a painful break-up, there will remain a soul-tie to that man, a form of entanglement that only the good Lord will be able to break.
Brit, if you and your boyfriend act too soon, you will end up like two people, trying to act like one. Not married but not single either. You may begin to feel like you have all the trappings of a marriage but none of the security. As time passes you may find that you’re seeing your old friends less and less and a lot of your free time is spent cleaning his apartment, cooking, and helping him with errands, but still unsure of your future together. Are you ready to risk becoming that entangled with someone who may turn out to be Mr. Wrong? – Or, with someone who feels like Mr. Right but never commits? In my opinion, sex before marriage is a lot like eating supper before you say the grace.
Now about that promise to God. A promise to God is a very powerful thing but you were only thirteen when you made it. That can take you only so far. Maybe it’s time to make a new promise. If you feel you cannot renew that vow, it means the old one has already expired. God does not want to be just a childhood memory. He wants to be your best friend. God’s word is timeless. If He says that the best thing is to wait until marriage then He has your best interests in mind.
I am going to uncover a secret about men that you haven’t heard from your professors or groups like those Code Pinkers. It is a man’s secret desire to marry a virgin. Sadly, most girls today are no longer virgins by the age of 16, but that doesn’t unhitch a man’s emotional longing. Men have been conditioned to suppress it, and deny it, but they feel it just the same. Even men who don’t give a hoot about any particular faith, will probably agree, that the greater the time of sexual abstinence, the finer a woman begins to look. So, for any women looking on, even if they may have made some mistakes in the past, abstinence will still help to attract a good man. It’s a lot like a thirsty man walking through the desert– the longer he’s on that trail, the finer that water will taste. Brit, a woman’s gift of intuition tells her that a man has a fragile ego, and that ego hates comparisons to other men. My own husband, God bless his soul, use to say that “every cowboy wants to be the fastest gun in the west, but he’ll keep it waiting in the holster for the right gal”- sure feels awkward just repeatin’ that!
You mentioned that you’re looking for a special way to show your gratitude, to your young man, but Brit dear, please hear my heart – one of the most precious gifts you can give your future husband is the gift of virginity. For many, that opportunity has passed, but those young women still have a secondary gift called spiritual virginity, which starts with sincere regret and a vow to the Lord to wait again for her divinely, hand-picked husband. These are the two precious gifts that help to attract a strong and righteous man, (who hopefully has exercised the same restraint, and held himself to the same standard) but this opportunity has not passed you, and no copy can completely replace the original. Your virginity is a treasure. Don’t let go of something you can never get back.
You mentioned that the ongoing resistance to sex feels like an elephant in the room. Well, elephants in the room are things we know are there but don’t talk about. This tells me that you’re not communicating to your boyfriend about how much God means to you. Maybe it’s time. I’m going to guess that somewhere along the way you left God, the Bible, and your sincere Christian friends at the bus stop…. And while you’re riding off on a bumpy road, sitting on lumpy seats, it might dawn on you one day, that God’s plans for you never included a greyhound, but an airport, where your true love is still waiting for you. You said that this guy is the answer to your dreams but it’s only God that can clear your vision so that you can tell the difference between dreams and delusions, hormones and love, and God’s plans and yours.
And speaking of hormones, I don’t know what boundaries you have set, but if the two of you are doing heavy kissing, in dark places, no stops in place, then no wonder that elephant is so big! Maybe it’s time to put more than an elephant in the room, like friends and family, who will pop their head in from time to time; or, simply spend more time in public places where temptation is less of a battle. You are only human.
And lastly, I want you to know, sweetie, that you are a Princess. The Bible says so. In your letter you said that you don’t have much to offer your boyfriend. Your comment alone tells me that you have low self-esteem. Scripture says that you are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14) If you want to show your boyfriend your gratitude…. send him a thank you card – not your body. Do not settle for half a dream, or half a commitment. You are rich with gifts and talent, because the Good Lord has hand crafted you to be a one and only masterpiece, a Rembrandt among paintings! Before you give your boyfriend anymore of yourself, find out what God has given you. You deserve a young man who will wait for you. I don’t care how old fashioned it sounds – True Love Waits.
Love, Diamond’s Grammy