Submission from Charity:
Many of us have experienced, or are currently on, the emotional roller-coaster that is waiting for Mr. Right. Whether you find him at age 20, 25, or 30 you will likely experience a time of singleness and that time will likely feel like forever. If you’re like me, that time is filled with longing, emotional lows and highs, insecurity, misguided bids for attention (from males), lots of awkward and, of course, mistakes.
It took me 5 years from the time I was of age to figure out how to handle this whole single gal thing and I want to share what I learned with all you single ladies out there while all the emotions and experiences are still fresh in my mind.
Is it wrong to wait for or “expect” a husband? God created us from a man with the purpose of helping a man. We, as women, are a natural complement to a man and the desire to help and complete a man is naturally built into us. It is not wrong to desire a husband but there is a right way to deal with that desire. This brings us to the first lesson I had to learn as a single: Faith.
God has promised us so many wonderful things. We are promised a place in his heavenly kingdom and Romans says that all things will work together for the good of those called to His purpose, just to name a few. One thing that God does not promise is that you’ll find a husband by 23, or even a husband at all.
To expect that or to make your faith depend on it is idolatry and is an attempt to play the god of your own life. I fell into this form of sin while in college. I grew tired of waiting for a man to come along on God’s timing, so I briefly turned my back on Him and went with a guy who fell short of the standard I had previously set for myself based on scripture.
As it turned out playing god over my own love life turned out pretty poorly and I lost 2 years of spiritual growth that was fraught with pain, disappointment and unnecessary emotional baggage. I learned my lesson the hard way. God’s way is always the best way.
I know being single can be hard and can feel lonely but trusting in God’s plan for your life will have huge benefits in the long run and will save you from needless heartbreak along the way. If you find yourself temped to go with a guy you know God wouldn’t approve of, stop and remember is isn’t worth it. Many times that temptation pulls us most when we are lonely and vulnerable.
The second lesson I had to learn is that God is enough and I must rely on him. We were created to have a relationship with God. We need and desire the unconditional love of our Savior and Creator. God and God only can fulfill that need for love that every human is born with. Even as Christians we can stray from Him and we can feel unfulfilled. If we are not turning to God to fill that hole in our hearts, we will desperately look elsewhere for that love.
Too often we think a man will do the trick. This leads to despair in singleness and desperation to find a man. Even if there is a man, to place the entire burden of your need for God’s love on him isn’t fair to you or him. He isn’t God and even a good guy will surely disappoint you. Figuring out how to be satisfied solely in God is a wonderful incredibly freeing thing.
Read His word and meditate on His love and promises and PRAY! When you’re feeling lonely, talk to Him and ask Him to help you get through all the crazy complicated emotions that come with being a single gal. He wants to be there for you, He wants you to turn to him and He will come through for you every time. This is especially important to learn before marriage.
Someday even a wonderful husband will let you down and that shouldn’t shatter your entire world. If your identity and self-worth is primarily in God, you will be better equipped to deal with the challenges of life and marriage. I regret that I didn’t learn this third lesson until 4 years into my singleness; don’t just wait. I always sensed that I wasn’t destined to be a bachelorette forever. The passions and desires that God gave me seemed to line up nicely with being a wife and mother.
It is an honorable and biblical calling for a woman and statistically it’s in the cards for the vast majority of us. I don’t think it’s wrong to make plans for your life that will line up well with being a wife and a mother even if you are currently single. Unfortunately, I took what God had planned for me and made it an excuse to be unproductive as a single. “Why try hard at work and school when I’m just going to give it all up to be a stay-at-home mom?” “When I’m married and have kids that will be my ministry.” It can feel like your whole life is on hold when you’re single.
The change that marriage and family brings to a woman’s life is logistically more drastic than it is for a man. Our entire career and way of life can change in a few short years after meeting Mr. Right. It might seem a little futile to invest in work, ministry or the people around you when you might have to drop it all at a moment’s notice. In reality this couldn’t be further from the truth.
When I finally accepted that God was in control of my love life and I just wasn’t going to know when Mr. Right was going to come along, I stopped looking so intently at the future and I started looking around in the present. There is so much good work to do as a single. From self-improvement and character building to evangelism and ministry there are endless opportunities for single women to do God’s work.
When I finally threw myself into ministry it was a huge perspective change for me. There is so much need in the Church and in society and there I was wasting all my talents in worrying about the future. During just a year of ministry I saw several women come to know the Lord and I was lucky enough to play a role in their discovery of Christ. If I had been sitting around waiting for some guy they might not have found the truth! It wasn’t just ministry either, I was able to pour myself more into my family and work as well.
Don’t let your single years go to waste. My hope is that you’ll be able to look back on them and be thankful for the things you were able to accomplish during that time. All you need to do is try your best to do what is right by God and he’ll take care of the rest, including your future husband. Ironically enough I met my Mr. Right through one of the girls that I saw come to know Christ during my time in college ministry.
There I was, finally focused on the right things and God decided it was time for me. This is the last lesson I learned; it will happen when it happens, in God’s perfect timing. I’ve heard it said “it will happen when you least expect it,” or “you should get involved in ministry so you can find a husband.” The first one is just wrong and while the ministry is a great place to find husbands, we must be careful about our motivations.
I don’t believe it’s wrong to be on the lookout for worthy God fearing guys or to be interested in good ones that come along. We certainly don’t want to ignore Mr. Right when God brings him into our life. However, if you’ve been waiting and you’re impatient and you feel like you’re ready remember this; God knows you better than you know yourself, He knows your future husband and He knows exactly when, where, and how He will bring you two together.
Looking back on how I met my Mr. Right we can both see how God brought us together at just the right time when we were both ready. Just about every other Christian couple I admire has told me they saw God’s hand in how they were brought together as well. Remember that you can trust God completely with your future and He’s got your back in every way. Even in your loneliness you are not alone and if you simply follow God he will have amazing things in store for you.
The path may be difficult but it is always rewarding, even if we don’t see those rewards on earth. I’m praying for all you single gals. Stay strong in the Father.
Has no one told you that the whole Adam and Eve thing never actually happened, and that god doesn’t exist? Poor thing.
Well, considering this is a blog made by a Christian woman, I’d say that she disagrees with your opinions. I’d suggest not picking fights – especially at a blog created by an openly Christian woman. Have a nice day. ♥
I absolutely love this! I’m struggling with this right now and you’ve helped me put everything into perspective. Thank you
Thanks! So glad I could help
how do you let god take control?
Pray about it, discern the options/plans you are considering. Make the right decisions. Follow your heart, follow your gut. Take every chance you can take to show His love. Be a good person.
I’ve done this organically because Im just a good person in general and its knocking on an entire decade of singleness for me. Im becoming a bit bitter about it because everyone else is moving forward in life with great careers, balanced lives and of course a wonderful and fulfilling love life. Love is definitely not for everyone. Im proof but even with all that said yes I agree God still has the last say in every aspect of our lives and it does help to just focus on him and your family. Thanks.
Pursue what He wants for you instead of what you want for you. The Bible lists out so many things God wants for us from our character to the way we treat our relationships and those around us. If you feel you need more specifics you can find a experienced Christian that you respect and ask for his/her advice. Thanks for reading!
This was really insightful and helpful. Loved it, in the same situation with the ex where i lost growing time and now single and working on growing myself and with God.
Thanks! I wrote it because I find myself giving this advice to girls over and over. Glad you’re in a good place now
Hello Happy New Year! I wanted to thank you for this article. So many times I’ve looked for support and back pats in the quiet uneventfulness of trying to do the right thing while waiting for “him” to show up with a wedding ring in his shirt pocket. Your advice has helped me to switch my focus from looking for him and gear my mentality to seek God. This was part of the support I was looking for. Be Blessed
I’m so glad for you! You’ll have to let me know what you accomplish through this change of focus
Thank you so much for this post. I’m going through this now and It’s nice to know I’m not the only one, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I struggled with wanting a relationship all through high school, and now that I’m in college many of my friends are engaged or getting married, or finding serious relationships that may lead to marriage. I’ve always wanted that companion and partner because I’ve always wanted someone that cared for me as much as I cared for them. It’s hard to feel like the odd man out, but its harder to realize that it might be because I’ve been chasing what I want instead of what God wants for me. I keep forgetting that I can find everything I need in Him. Thank you for the reminder. It’s what I needed most right now.
No problem it really is a pleasure. Gosh I feel you. I’ve been there so many times. Stay strong in Him
Can I get some help from other feminist Christians reading this post? (anyone??)
Here’s a relevant quote:
“Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same?” —Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
You can watch the whole TED talk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=hg3umXU_qWc
I’m very happy to hear that you have found happiness in faith, fellowship, and a fulfilling relationship. The way you’ve framed this post, however, bugs me a lot.
Your argument in this post seems to underline the happiness and spiritual fulfillment found through God is something whole and something wholly different from the satisfaction possible in romantic relationships. At the same time, though, you undercut that point by framing your argument in terms of needing to find a man in order for your life to continue.
What about putting your trust in God and following Him, period? You don’t need to wait for any man to live your life! Your twenties, thirties, and beyond will be an emotional rollercoaster filled with highs and lows, longing, and mistakes totally independent of your relationship status. Your entire career and way of life can change in a few short years for a multitude of reasons—not only because you “find a man.”
I think my problem with the post is this: your article reinforces the idea that meeting Mr. Right will act as a catalyst of change in your life and that it’s okay to wait around for one at the same time that it argues for seeking God instead of following a man.
Thank you for your comment Ali. The truth is most gals will end up married at some point and most want to be married someday. It is a built in desire. If you read Genesis it shows how it is a built in element of our nature. Men and women were designed for each other. On top of that marriage allows for the possibility of children. Bringing a new soul into the world and raising it, loving it and teaching it is a special thing. In fact I don’t think there is a line of work more important or more rewarding. The Bible talks in many places about the blessing of children and proverbs 127:3 says that they are a gift and a reward from the Lord. So it is no wonder that so many women aspire to be a wife and a mother. Now I don’t know about the men that lady speaks of but out of the Christian men I’ve spoken with, most aspire to have healthy marriages someday even if they think they are not ready now. I think it is an honorable thing to aspire too for both genders. Those are some of the reasons I framed the post that way.
Now that doesn’t mean I think it’s the only thing people can aspire too. If marriage doesn’t end up being part of your life you can most certainly accomplish great things for the glory of God. And you’re absolutely right, life can still change drastically without marriage. Although marriage is the most common and predictable major life transition for women outside of having children.
It’s like I said, don’t waste your time waiting for a man. I never said I needed a man for my life to continue. I found so much freedom in learning to rely on God alone and that freedom has carried into my current relationship. Just because I have a man now doesn’t mean I ignore God or follow him less. Yes, meeting Mr right, is a catalyst for change, but it doesn’t excuse doing nothing when you’re single. That was one of the key points in this post.
I never said I needed a man for my life to continue. While single I worked, in fact I still work full time. I have a promising career ahead of me if I choose to pursue it and plenty of ministry opportunities through my church. If I were still single my life would go on and it would still be good and I would still (hopefully) be trusting God. But because I put my trust in God (period) it led me right into my relationship with my future husband. I would have been ignoring what God had given me in my fiance if I had blown him off and remained single. I still find my satisfaction and fulfillment in God. Being in this relationship certainly challenges me and helps me grow and rely on God even more. Lots of Christians will tell you that marriage does that. It doesn’t mean it’s the only way to be challenged and to grow, but it is a good way.
Now once you are in a marriage the bible is very explicit, he is your head and you need to follow his lead. That doesn’t mean you are inferior to him. It simply means that in his role he bears the authority and responsibility in the family and the Lord will hold him accountable for his wife and children. The wife’s roles is to respect and support him in that.
That was long but I hope it clarified things for you. All the best
I was going to take your writings in mind, then you talked about God…
Sounds like you miss the single life a lot and are ungrateful for your husband and family. Women like you make me sick.
Also It sounds like you think you are better than people who are single. May I ask why you think that just because you found a guy and married him makes you any different?????? I can get any guy I want, I’m picky is why I’m single. Because pretty women we don’t have that problem. I am so offended by this post. You need to read a scripture on humility. Because you need some.
Allison, she didn’t say any of that. Clearly you are assuming she thinks she is better than everyone because you internally believe a women with a husband is greater than being single. Charity is just saying to trust in God during all the times we feel lonely, unloved or even picky. He has great plans in store for us. Charity is sharing her experience and letting us know she was able to just live her life independent of her relationship status for God’s glory! She never said she was better than anyone.
I’m confused by some of the replies I’m seeing on here. This is very insightful and helpful to me. Especially with the impatience I’m feeling right now in waiting on God, or rather trying to… I have feelings for my best friend, the guy who led me to Christ. We’ve known each other for seven years. I’ve liked him for six. I never wanted or cared about having a boyfriend/husband before I realized I always wanted him to be in my life. But he doesn’t want to date me — said he never will. And I have struggled through so much insecurity and jealousy and longing in my waiting that I don’t want to wait on God anymore. But I do because I know there is nothing else I can do.
A few years ago, I received a few prophetic words from different people, none of which knew my situation. They said God wanted to fulfill my crushed hopes and dreams, that I shouldn’t tell myself what I hope for can’t happen. They told me God says “yes” to my desires. I felt witness in my heart then. But time has made me question. My friend has remained in my life in spite of a lot of drama. And I still have hopes. I’ve asked for God to reveal the truth to me, however painful it may be. But nothing has changed. For the past six years, nothing has changed. It’s just so hard to wait when nothing is happening. But trying has only ended in more rejection and heartbreak. I don’t know what to do. So I just… wait.
That’s me too!! Im part of the church part of this ministry that ministry, all I find is disappointment in regards of finding romantic relationships. I travel i meet people, I do this and that. Nothing, however I’ve gained the best of friends though, real special gold like creatures that love me and i love them. But ever since I came back to the church, ive gone through trauma after trauma. I got cancer, (but God healed me) diabetes, going through problems with family, and got rejected by crappy crappy guys. Really I’m tired of “waiting” for fairy tales to happen. The only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that God’s only son was born into poverty in an animal stable full of animal poop. If Jesus had a hard life i don’t expect fairy tales in my life
Just wait on god
I am struggling as well with this as well. It’s lIke I know I’m getting closer by GOD because I met someone and he was okay but not GOD best (he didn’t have a relationship with GOD) nice guy though. I was man I haven’t been on a date in years, haven’t had male companionship in years and then here he comes and still it’s not Mr. Right. I continue to wait. I have married friends and it makes me depressed at times. I keep myself very busy and tired so I won’t have to thinm about the whole singleness. I dont have single friends and the one guy I like who is godly well he lives in another state and city. This whole thing is crazy so I just stay busy in my work, college, my upcoming business, etc. If anyone has any suggestions to help this 35 year old single women of going on six years pleasee don’t hesitate to answer. It’s hard out here from us and I don’t go out looking desperate these guys come up to me but they aren’t godly. Maybe im living in the wrong city and state because these guys aren’t business minded etc.
” Gods best nothing less!!! ”
He made this statement to me after I truly surrendered to him my whole life and relationships. After multiple awful relationships of being lied to and cheated on by worldly boys, whom I hoped and thought had good hearts, but ended up being wolves in sheeps clothing. I knew that my way isn’t the way to go and to wait for his best! Since God knows hearts and has good plans for us, I knew we just have to choose it with our free will. The husband he has for us is so worth the wait ! And God is VERY VERY real.. He even made a promise to us ( Proverbs 8:17 I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me)
Sometimes we are so caught up in sinful ways and blinded by darkness that we can’t hear from him. Don’t expect him to do a miracle when you mock and test him. This is what he says about that.
( Matthew 12:39 A wicked and adulterous generation asks for a sign! But none will be given it except the sign of the prophet Jonah.)
God has always been here and does not change. It is we who change and the enemy is hard at work to keep us from knowing the truth.
(Psalm 14:1 “The fool has said in his heart, ‘There is no God’”)
( Romans 1:22 they claimed to be wise, they became fools )
If you truly humble yourself and turn to him ( which he obviously knows when you are genuine ) then expect to hear from him! Read his word, pray your eyes are opened in Jesus mighty name.
GOD IS GOOD!
Ladies wait on him and his plans it’s so worth it <3 great post btw! We need to edify and build each other up more like this!
I’m also waiting on .you husband while getting good closereason to God but I messed up and had my children first I have two little girls and it didn’t work ou think with their father I just hope God shows favor upon me and still bless me with a husband so I can show my daughters the right way of doing things
There are so many variables in the wait on God, so I read this with a completely open mind. Being one of faith is outstanding, and does not make as greater than a brother or sister. The wait upon God does include being proactive, and also realizing what battles and positives to pick. God indeed created us for companionships and relationships, but not everyone necessarily for marriage. Such, where misunderstandings fall in. The desire to marry is instilled or given, not an automatic as stated. Waiting upon God is benefit and only right, as He desires only His best mate….. the man/woman who is our perfect match. Our soulmate. Going forth on our own devices….. impatience, we are doomed to relationship failure. Do not be unequally yolked.