Heartbreak. Real heartbreak, the kind where you stop wearing mascara because you’re constantly crying… the kind where you lose weight because you physically can’t pull yourself out of bed for days… the kind that literally turns your world upside down. When this type of heartbreak happens it can take weeks, months, maybe years before you’re back to yourself again. This kind of heart ache happens when love is involved. And normally you don’t realize how much you loved that person until your 3 pints deep into some Ben & Jerry’s.
Personally, this heartbreak happened to me after my first love betrayed me. You know that Taylor Swift song “Should’ve Said No”, well that song became my reality. Immediately I broke up with him because my brain was telling me to, but my heart couldn’t let him go. I wanted to hate him so badly, but I couldn’t find it in me. So, crazy women logic… What do we do when a man cheats on us? Blame the woman who helped him commit the act. I felt relief in getting my anger out on her, when in actuality I should have been upset with him. He knew better… she didn’t (if she was a respectable lady she would have, cough cough).
As many women do, I chose to take him back after he cheated on me. I ignored all the warnings and believed his sob story. Now I believe people can change, but in most cases history tends to repeat itself. When we got back together he acted like Prince Charming, but in the back of my mind the trust was gone… he couldn’t go to the library without me questioning whether or not he was lying and cheating. And sure enough as time went on and as rumors arose, my assumptions ended up being true– cheating. So, we broke up again, this time for good.
The second breakup was when I went through real heartbreak. The first time was awful, but I always knew in the back of my mind we’d get back together. This breakup literally pulled the rug out from under me. I WAS A WRECK. Although I knew I deserved better, I couldn’t simply turn off my feelings for him. We shared the same group of friends, we became a part of each others family, and I honestly didn’t know how to live without him.
When a serious breakup like this happens, and they wronged you, you can’t help but start to HATE that person. The problem with hating someone, is you feel the need to let them know and everyone else know just how much you hate them. I’ve come to learn that this is the worst possible way to get over somebody. You might temporarily feel okay when you vent your feelings out, but all you’re really doing is covering the pain that is really there. Anger always brings its friends along: petty & vindictive.
I know it’s hard NOT to get really angry, but calling up your ex for the third time this week at 1:00am… maybe 3am, screaming “I hate you” over a bottle of wine, chocolate truffles, and ice cream is no way to get back at your ex. (Hooking up with his friends or the person he hates, throwing a drink at him, keying his car, threatening his new girl with psycho Facebook messages, stalking his life, calling his friends, or texting him every time you have a hateful thought — all fall under this “don’t do it” category as well.) By acting this way, you’re just making him feel better about the breakup, and “crazy” isn’t going to make him miss you or hurt inside. Craziness and anger will only hurt you and bring out a nasty side of you that you wont like. Instead, toss the hate aside, and let the tears flow to your best friend or your pillow.
Remember: Hatred is the easy way out after a breakup, but the longer you voice your hatred the longer you’ll stay miserable. The real & most difficult way to get over a breakup is to grieve. Really grieve. There is no magic pill to fix your pain, but time. You do go on, you grieve & grieve, and once you’ve gone on long enough you’ll eventually get over it. Don’t believe me? I’m living proof! Once you really grieve you’ll come to realize that man you once loved so much is kinda a scumbag, and in God’s perfect timing he’ll place a real man who won’t break your heart into your life.
So, my advice if you’re going through a heartbreak is voice your anger once (just to get it off of your chest) and then GRIEVE. I’m not saying forgive him right away either. That comes in time too.
Keep your head up!
I know this isn’t a new article and I have been reading your blog since the beginning. However, because I was in a committed, loving relationship, I never felt the need to read these types of articles. Well all this has changed. I recently found out that my first love betrayed and cheated on me just days into our university career, and to say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. But this post really resonated with my situation and I’m so glad that I came back to it and read it this time. Thank you for expressing everything that I’m feeling and doing, but also thank you for your wise words of advice. Keep writing, I love your blog!