I absolutely love your blog. I refer friends and I’ve read through several of them with my mom.
I am just having a hard time with… I guess the feeling of being unwanted.
I’ve only dated 2 guys in my 20 years. In Both relationships, the guys didn’t make me feel special or loved. I have know come out of both relationships with a ridiculous amount of insecurities. It’s been over a year since I’ve been out on a date, or even had a guy like me. Is there something I’m doing wrong? I’m just wondering what it is about me that makes no guy like me.
I always hear from my friends and family, “I can’t believe you don’t have a boyfriend!”
Thanks. Sometimes I can’t either. Have any helpful tips on what to do? What is so wrong with me that no guy, in my 20 years, has thought I was worth pursuing and treating right?
– Allie (Name changed for privacy)
God has His timing. I know it’s hard to see that now, but He does. You’re lucky to have only dated 2 guys thus far; if you had dated more, you’d probably regret it later on. Let me explain. I’ve dated guys in the past that I regret. They weren’t right for me, nor were some of them even good to me. Even in high school, I dated a guy that I wish I could erase from my memory for the rest of my life!
I was barely 15 years old at the time and the guy I dated was 2.5 years older than me. In high school terms, that’s a pretty big age gap. I was a Sophomore, he was a very sophisticated Senior, and I was completely enamored with him. The problem was, he was controlling. He took over my life, made lots of demands: He didn’t want me hanging out with my friends, wanted all of my time, and even pressured me into many situations I would have rather avoided. I stayed with him off and on for a little over a year. No matter how hard I tried to escape the situation, he would be back at my door, and for some reason I’d always take him back. It caused many problems between my mother and me at first, because she saw all the red flags that I ignored. She didn’t want me staying out late with him or spending as much time with him as I did.
It’s crazy how you look back on your life and think, “WOW, why did I NOT listen to my mom?” I put up with this loser in high school for way too long. He was emotionally abusive, controlling, and stole precious time and experience from me. More importantly, I felt like he ruined me – jaded me. I’ll never forget the day my mother told me I could never see him again. I remember feeling so relieved. I felt free. I felt like I finally had a good excuse to leave this relationship. That’s just one example. I was very young then, but the truth is, dating can be a very painful process; in the end, there is only one right guy waiting out there for you.
The problem with dating is sometimes we force ourselves into relationships because we don’t want to be alone. Most of the time, these bad relationships are our own doing, because we don’t want to wait on God and His timing. Now that I’m married, I look back on every boyfriend and wish it never happened. I know I learned a lot, but I could have learned just as much from my wonderful husband.
I know as a girl it’s hard not to have a boyfriend. Girls can’t help but want to feel wanted and pursued. It’s in our nature. That’s why many women will do anything to catch the eye of another man: they’ll dress sexy, act overly flirty, and do their makeup and hair like a Playboy Bunny clone. They will practically write EASY on their forehead just to feel wanted. The thing is, God has so much more in store for those girls! They’re completely missing out on the gifts He has waiting for them by forcing attraction – forcing romance – forcing love, and forcing everything. They want it all NOW, instead of waiting for the best.
You’re so lucky to be 20. You have less regrets, and the time to work on yourself. Imagine the perfect man for you, the man you want to marry… and then, just imagine the type of girl he would want to be with. Next, work on becoming that girl, (look up Proverbs 31). You don’t need a bunch of boyfriends in your past to become the perfect girl for your future husband, if anything, it’s just the opposite.
From this day on, become THAT girl: Be a good friend, love those around you, go to church, get out of your comfort zone and volunteer. When you least expect it, out of nowhere, you will be at the right place and the right time when Mr. Right appears… and your heart will be in the right place too. God brought my husband to me in the most unique way; I’d been doing work for an organization and we met at one of their meetings. The next day, I invited him to a bible study that I was having at my house. It was like God knew I was ready. I wasn’t thinking only about myself at that time, I was thinking about others — and God, in return, gave me the best gift of all.
I think in your heart you know how you should be treated. Remember to hold that standard and never settle. You deserve to be treated like a princess, never forget that.
Stay positive, you are beautiful.
Ps. Ruby wanted me to add this: When she was 20 she was feeling very lonely and very single, and my advice to her at the time was, “Be patient, when you turn 21 the boys will come flocking.” Sure enough, when she turned 21, it seemed every guy wanted to date her! She didn’t even know what to do with herself! I guess I have good intuition… or, she was just old enough to actually date mature men who knew what they wanted in life – ha! Love it.