I absolutely love your blog. I refer friends and I’ve read through several of them with my mom.
I am just having a hard time with… I guess the feeling of being unwanted.
I’ve only dated 2 guys in my 20 years. In Both relationships, the guys didn’t make me feel special or loved. I have know come out of both relationships with a ridiculous amount of insecurities. It’s been over a year since I’ve been out on a date, or even had a guy like me. Is there something I’m doing wrong? I’m just wondering what it is about me that makes no guy like me.
I always hear from my friends and family, “I can’t believe you don’t have a boyfriend!”
Thanks. Sometimes I can’t either. Have any helpful tips on what to do? What is so wrong with me that no guy, in my 20 years, has thought I was worth pursuing and treating right?
– Allie (Name changed for privacy)
God has His timing. I know it’s hard to see that now, but He does. You’re lucky to have only dated 2 guys thus far; if you had dated more, you’d probably regret it later on. Let me explain. I’ve dated guys in the past that I regret. They weren’t right for me, nor were some of them even good to me. Even in high school, I dated a guy that I wish I could erase from my memory for the rest of my life!
I was barely 15 years old at the time and the guy I dated was 2.5 years older than me. In high school terms, that’s a pretty big age gap. I was a Sophomore, he was a very sophisticated Senior, and I was completely enamored with him. The problem was, he was controlling. He took over my life, made lots of demands: He didn’t want me hanging out with my friends, wanted all of my time, and even pressured me into many situations I would have rather avoided. I stayed with him off and on for a little over a year. No matter how hard I tried to escape the situation, he would be back at my door, and for some reason I’d always take him back. It caused many problems between my mother and me at first, because she saw all the red flags that I ignored. She didn’t want me staying out late with him or spending as much time with him as I did.
It’s crazy how you look back on your life and think, “WOW, why did I NOT listen to my mom?” I put up with this loser in high school for way too long. He was emotionally abusive, controlling, and stole precious time and experience from me. More importantly, I felt like he ruined me – jaded me. I’ll never forget the day my mother told me I could never see him again. I remember feeling so relieved. I felt free. I felt like I finally had a good excuse to leave this relationship. That’s just one example. I was very young then, but the truth is, dating can be a very painful process; in the end, there is only one right guy waiting out there for you.
The problem with dating is sometimes we force ourselves into relationships because we don’t want to be alone. Most of the time, these bad relationships are our own doing, because we don’t want to wait on God and His timing. Now that I’m married, I look back on every boyfriend and wish it never happened. I know I learned a lot, but I could have learned just as much from my wonderful husband.
I know as a girl it’s hard not to have a boyfriend. Girls can’t help but want to feel wanted and pursued. It’s in our nature. That’s why many women will do anything to catch the eye of another man: they’ll dress sexy, act overly flirty, and do their makeup and hair like a Playboy Bunny clone. They will practically write EASY on their forehead just to feel wanted. The thing is, God has so much more in store for those girls! They’re completely missing out on the gifts He has waiting for them by forcing attraction – forcing romance – forcing love, and forcing everything. They want it all NOW, instead of waiting for the best.
You’re so lucky to be 20. You have less regrets, and the time to work on yourself. Imagine the perfect man for you, the man you want to marry… and then, just imagine the type of girl he would want to be with. Next, work on becoming that girl, (look up Proverbs 31). You don’t need a bunch of boyfriends in your past to become the perfect girl for your future husband, if anything, it’s just the opposite.
From this day on, become THAT girl: Be a good friend, love those around you, go to church, get out of your comfort zone and volunteer. When you least expect it, out of nowhere, you will be at the right place and the right time when Mr. Right appears… and your heart will be in the right place too. God brought my husband to me in the most unique way; I’d been doing work for an organization and we met at one of their meetings. The next day, I invited him to a bible study that I was having at my house. It was like God knew I was ready. I wasn’t thinking only about myself at that time, I was thinking about others — and God, in return, gave me the best gift of all.
I think in your heart you know how you should be treated. Remember to hold that standard and never settle. You deserve to be treated like a princess, never forget that.
Stay positive, you are beautiful.
Ps. Ruby wanted me to add this: When she was 20 she was feeling very lonely and very single, and my advice to her at the time was, “Be patient, when you turn 21 the boys will come flocking.” Sure enough, when she turned 21, it seemed every guy wanted to date her! She didn’t even know what to do with herself! I guess I have good intuition… or, she was just old enough to actually date mature men who knew what they wanted in life – ha! Love it.
This post really struck home with me. I went through a very similar situation. It seemed like nobody liked me and I was just so sad. The thing is, the majority of guys in that age bracket are not looking for all the goodness you have to offer. For example, they go through dozens of cheap beers, without realizing they are missing out on the good stuff. Then they cultivate some taste and never look back. To Allie, and all 20 year olds, my advice is to enjoy being 20! I know that not having a boyfriend seems so hard. But focus on fostering great friendships and making memories with those friends. Don’t waste precious time with the girls looking for a guy, let it happen naturally! Like Diamond said, go to clubs and organizations that interest you, and meet people there! I know everyone says this, but it is so true: once you stop looking, he will show up out of nowhere, in the place you least expect! I had success with this method. In the mean time, be yourself, enjoy college, make lifelong friendships!
Love reading this post! I am turning 23 next month and I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I have been on a number of dates, but none of them turned into anything serious. And for the past 5 years I’ve been involved in and on-again off-again situation with a guy who has never really treated me with the love and respect that every girl deserves. I stuck around because I was so insecure and felt like no one else would want me.
A few days ago, I got to a point where I felt like I needed to cut him out of my life for good, and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. Moving forward I’m just going to take the time to work on myself and being the best person that I can be.
This is exactly what I needed tonight. Thank you so much. Glad to know I’m not alone, just need to be reminded everything happens in His timing. Thank you xo
WoW!! This was a right now word for ME! It is never too late to learn life’s lessons. I am not 20, or 30. I am near 50 and I quote this scripture all the time to young ladies I mentor: When a man finds a wife he finds a good thing. I know without a doubt this is true. However, if we as girls, young ladies and women are not prepared for what is to come, we can miss-out, lose-out or get left-out of what God has for us.
Therefore, we need to spend time with God, who is the ultimate man for each of us. With Him, there is no misunderstanding of what He wants from you (woman) and what He will provide in your life (love, joy, peace….). Secondly, spend time loving You! Get to know your likes and dislikes. All the things you want to do, go for it and do them! When “He” comes into your life, “He” should enhance what you have already begun.
Thanks for this blog…we are helpers one to another.
I Love You Ladies! Love Yourself!