Throughout high school, college, and life after college, I’ve learned enough from my friends and life choices to know a red flag when I see one. While growing up it seemed only my mother could see red flags, unfortunately, when a mother sees a red flag you take her advice as being over bearing and controlling.
Now that I’m getting older, I’m starting to realize I sound a whole lot like my mother when I give advice to a friend, no shame I guess, but it all makes sense now. That woman made just as many mistakes as I did growing up, and she was just trying to help me out a bit — save me from all the nasty men out there!
So here it goes, a list of red flags to be weary of that I’ve learned over the years from friends and personal experiences:
Calling After 10pm
1. You’ve probably heard it a million times, but absolutely do not hang out with a guy if he calls you after 10pm. Seriously, don’t. If a guy really wants to spend time with you, he will call you earlier in the day and ask to hang out, and actually make plans with you. Better yet, he’ll probably be in contact with you throughout the day by text message/etc because he can’t stop thinking about you.
But, when a guy calls at 10pm or later….
a. He has exhausted all of his “better” ideas
b. He couldn’t find another girl at the bar
c. The girl he actually likes wont hangout with him, and he needs a confidence boost.
d. He’s drunk and feeling frisky
e. He needs a designated driver
f. His “boy” found a girl, but he didn’t. Time to call everyone in his phonebook.
g. He likes your body, not your personality
h. Hello, last thought of the day.
i. He is “too busy” for you, but not too busy for everything else.
j. He’s dating another girl and cheating on her.
k. He’s dating multiple girls.
l. He doesn’t respect you.
m. He doesn’t see a future with you, but can’t stand to be alone.
n. He doesn’t want to stay at his own home, because maybe he’s too lazy to clean it or go grocery shopping.
o. His roommate brought a girl home and he doesn’t want to intrude.
… The list could go on of potential possibilities, you name it, and it’s probably true.
That list is harsh, but VERY true. A friend of mine dated a guy who would only randomly call, but mostly at night. He blamed it on being an engineer major and having a HUGE project due… “a robot.” Long story short, I went on a boating trip with her and his friends, took some pictures, and posted them on Facebook. Turns out we all had mutual friends on Facebook, and his girlfriend saw the pictures. Caught. Turns out his robot’s name was “Ashley.” All along my friend was feeling so sorry for him and how busy he was, thinking he was a HARD worker, studying alllll the time. Yeah right. Cheater.
The Fancy Car
Here’s a red flag: He’s in college and owns a really nice car, huge big screen tv, and lives like a king. In this case scenario, you can only hope that it is courtesy of his parents, because if it’s not, this guy is living the grand life off of his student loans.
This is the type of guy that you want to stay clear of. This guy thinks that the second he graduates from college he’s going to be making a ton of money. Let me tell you, that is a very unrealistic expectation, because most guys, even lawyers, fresh out of college are making between 35 to 45k a year. Might seem somewhat decent for a single guy, but in college that type of guy probably racked up about 80 to 200k in student loan debt, courtesy of beer and sports cars.
A guy like this is not a keeper, unless you want to constantly live in fear of filing for bankruptcy if you marry a man like this. He’s a dreamer not a doer and he lives in “lala land.” He will most likely never change, and trust me, you do NOT want his baggage!
Plus, most guys like this partied and didn’t even study hard in college, so the possibility of him ever getting that high paying job is slim to none – unless he has an awesome mommy and daddy.
Relationships Under 6 Months
A. A guy who has never had a relationship last longer than 6 months may seem endearing, but trust me, in the long run you end up just training him to be the perfect boyfriend, you go through all the hard work, and then when you break up, he’ll run off, date a new girl, and get married… or just use all the tricks you taught him. Yeah, ya might feel like a great trainer, but that’s unacceptable. A man needs to mature, and it feels terrible to be the trainer, and then get left behind. I can’t say this happens all the time, but it definitely happens a lot when a man is within the ages of 18-25.
B. The other case scenario is that he comes off really perfect, and it takes about 6 months for all of his true colors to show, sending every girl running for their lives.
It Takes Him Longer To Do His Hair Than It Takes You To Do Yours
A. He’ll turn up being into men 5 years down the road.
B. He’s so narcissistic that he’ll make you feel like you’re inadequate or not good enough for him. If a guy loves himself that much, he’ll have no room in his life to show you love or to even tell you how beautiful you are – probably because he’s too busy thinking about himself. A man like that will just ruin your self-esteem, and this type of guy doesn’t deserve a great woman… He deserves another narcissist.
The Druggie or Alcoholic
You’re not a fixer. You may like the challenge of fixing a guy, but trust me, the chance of him actually changing is slim to none. If he wants to prove himself by going to support groups, enrolling in college, or by getting a good job… then so be it. Make him prove himself first. Don’t sit around trying to coax him into being that guy. Step out of the way and see if he’ll do it on his own. If he doesn’t, he WILL NEVER be the man you want him to be.
Who cares how great he may seem when he’s sober, because trust me, it will NEVER be worth it. He will always bring you down, and it will be especially damaging if you decide to have a family with him. An addict is unpredictable and incredibly selfish, and a red flag like this is nothing to play games with. If he isn’t the man you always pictured yourself to be with, don’t live in a dream state and tell yourself that he is… because he clearly isn’t. RUN.
Earrings On His Nightstand That Aren’t Yours
If you’ve fought with a man in the first month of dating, it’s time to break up. My mother always told me that if you fight in the “honeymoon” phase of a relationship, it’s just the beginning of a rollercoaster relationship. In the first month of a relationship everyone is on their BEST behavior, and if you’re already fighting, it’s just a clear indication of the future. The fights will just get worse, because you’ll both just start acting more and more like yourself.
It’s funny, while growing up I was even stricter with this rule. If I was fighting in the first 3 to 6 months, I knew it was an indication it wasn’t going to work out, because I’m not a fighter. So, I guess it’s always good to remember that if he’s bringing out a nasty side in you, it’s time to CHECK OUT. I know everyone is different, but if you find yourself in toxic relationships all the time, follow this rule… if there is a fight in the first month – he isn’t for you.
He curses at you. Heck no. Ohhh… heck no. Check out immediately. Seriously, because once you marry him or get seriously involved with him, his colorful language will get worse, and he will become verbally abusive. I’ve absolutely lived by this rule. It is so disrespectful when a man curses at you. VERY disrespectful. I remember an ex boyfriend of mine said “what the hell is your problem?” to me once, which is nowhere near as bad as other things I’ve heard, but since I don’t handle being spoken to that way, I didn’t speak to him for three days. I showed him. Seriously, a man CANNOT think he can speak to you disrespectfully. You’re a lady and should be treated like one.
He Talks to His Mom Disrespectfully
However he speaks to his mom is an indication of how he will speak to you one day. REMEMBER THAT.
If you have a relationship with God, it will be very hard to have a relationship with a man who doesn’t have a relationship with God. No matter how you spin it, it will never end well. I know girls always think they can change the guy, but 9 out of 10 times, the guy will change you.
It is very difficult to stay close to God when the person you are spending the most time with is trying to bring you away from God. No matter how hard you try not to fall, you’ll fall, because he doesn’t care, since you both have different moral standards.
I’m not saying to give up on every man that doesn’t have a relationship with God. What I’m saying is to NOT date or have a romantic relationship with a man that doesn’t have a relationship with God. Sure, invite him to church, but don’t date the guy!
If he’s willing to learn more about your lifestyle, as a FRIEND, he’s truly interested in your relationship with God, and hopefully he’ll form a relationship with God as well, but if he doesn’t take interest, he never will…. And dating a guy like that will bring you down, and when you’re married, it will cause tons of fights. God tells you to be evenly yoked in a marriage, so take note.
Plays Video Games All the Time
Tell him to call you when he grows up.
This is a simple concept, if he hits you once, he’ll do it again. All of the other red flags will NEVER compare to this one. This red flag is by far the worst. Promise me you will never date a man that is abusive!
Awww… it’s cute that he’s worried about you and wants to know allll about you, until it’s NOT cute anymore. This one really gets under my skin. A jealous man just comes off clingy and insecure. Get rid of him while you can. I dated a guy once that would read my text messages every single time I would leave the room. I would sometimes come up with little traps for him… ex. Intentionally having a friend text me something, because I knew he would see it. It was so irritating.
Sure, don’t have big terrible secrets in a relationship, but at the same time, there needs to be boundaries. Plus, everyone has their own timing for sharing personal things about themselves. A man like this is pathetic – stay clear.
Signs of jealousy (some of these verge on clingy, it’s a gray area)
a. He reads your text messages
b. Wants to know the password to your phone
c. Wants to know the password to your Facebook
d. Always asks who you’re talking to on the phone
e. Always wants to know who you’re texting
f. He has a panic attack when you avoid showing/telling him any of the above
g. He wants to know all about your exes
h. He wants to beat up your exes
i. He doesn’t want you to go out with your friends
j. He doesn’t want you to ever drink without him, period.
k. He hates your friends
l. He thinks you cheated because you didn’t answer his phone call
m. He gets angry when you miss a phone call
n. He gets angry when you miss a text
o. You can’t talk to someone of the opposite sex
p. You can’t smile at someone of the opposite sex
q. If you had a friend that was a guy, definitely say goodbye that friend
r. He even gets jealous of the relationship with your mother, that’s funny
s. I wouldn’t be surprised if he even got jealous of the relationship you have with your dog
t. I wouldn’t be surprised if this type of guy even got irritated when you went to class/work, because he lost site of you for 2.5 seconds.
u. You can’t talk about your day, because you might accidentally say the word “him” “he” “Mr.” “_________insert guys name_______” in conversation.
Anyways, a guy like this is TERRIBLE. If any of the above occurs with a guy you’re dating, remember I told you to run.
I could honestly go on all day, but I have to bring this blog to a close.
There are tons of red flags, but there is an easy way to stay clear from men like this… It’s simple, date a man who loves the Lord. If a man truly loves the Lord, he will do everything possible to make his Father happy, and that means, behaving like a respectable, loving, God fearing man. A MAN like that, a God fearing man — It’s EASY to put your trust in a man like that.