5 years have passed, and he still haunts me. They say a break-up takes time, but I’m not sure if some of the emotions ever go away. I’ve moved on, I’m incredibly happy, but I can’t pretend that 3 years of my life didn’t happen – because it did happen. I can’t say that those 3 years of my life were terrible either, they actually were quite wonderful. I was in college, younger, freer, wilder, and the weight of life wasn’t so heavy on my shoulders. I also can’t say that I didn’t deeply care about him – I did and I always will.
It’s not like I think about him all the time either, but he does cross my mind … I get mad at myself when he does, and feel guilty, because I know I’m more in love now than I ever was before, but honestly… he is still there, and he will always be there.
Relationships – long term ones – practically end up being like a “marriage,” when they end, it’s just like divorce. You share all the same friends, and start having to split custody. It also reminds me of gluing two pieces of paper together and trying to separate them, it’s never clean.
I placed a good portion of what was supposed to be a good time in my life into one person. One person who didn’t pan out. And I can’t just burn all the memories. He is in EVERY college memory. The guy knew me – so well – scary well. I mean I spent so much time with him, because you have so much extra time in college. We did everything together. He was probably more of a best friend than a boyfriend – he was just always there. We traveled together, partied together, shopped together, did extra curricular activities together, spent family vacations together, everything – together. And I look back on those memories, and know they were happy times – really happy times – but it’s over.
Why is it over? Let me tell you, because it wasn’t right. He was my best friend, the one person I trusted more than anyone else, but he was missing things I needed in a relationship. Every girl has something that they really “respect” in a man, and he was just missing that one thing. No man is perfect. If you had a list of the perfect man, each guy you date or even marry will be missing a few things on the list. But, there are 3 things on that list that are the most important to you — must haves. See, my ex had basically everything on my list, but he was missing two major things. He didn’t have a big heart for God (that’s a huge negative for me) and he was too free-spirited. You’d think a free-spirit would be a big plus, but it wasn’t for me. He just didn’t care about what was going on in the world. He didn’t care about history, politics, the bible, etc. He was like the perfect house that was missing the library.
One thing about me is that I respect knowledge. My father is an intellectual, the walking encyclopedia, so it’s something I respect. I’m not saying every man needs to be knowledgeable to gain my respect, it’s just important for me to have in a man. Plus, I really need a man that knows his bible and wants to have bible studies with me – I really desire that, and that was something I wasn’t receiving in that relationship. The only interest he took in his own “faith,” was going to church a couple times a month. I’m pretty sure that in our three years together he only prayed with me a handful of times — and I desired so much more than that. And because I wasn’t receiving these important things, I stopped respecting him – and that is always the downfall of a relationship.
So, the truth is… Yeah – he crosses my mind and we had great times together, but he wasn’t for me. I can be mad at myself for carrying something on for so long, but the truth is, I couldn’t help it. I thought that I could live without the qualities that he didn’t have, but the truth is, I couldn’t. It took me a long long time to realize it, but I’m glad I did.
I am so incredibly happy now, I am in love with the man of my dreams, my forever — it just took me awhile to get to him, because I was so distracted by my past. I wish that I never dated any other man, because I hate that I have memories of other guys – and they’re haunting. But, ya know what? God brought those men into my life to mold me into who I am today.
This honestly hits home. This is exactly how I felt about my ex boyfriend. He did miss somethings that I needed from a man. Not to the extent of your story but still very similar. I enjoyed reading this because it makes me feel more at ease that I’m not the only one who feels the same way. Its also been five years and I still have my ex calling me for advice or for whatever reason he finds. I agree it feels very haunting. I’m happy now as a person but I have yet to find that person that fulfills me. I know hes out there and with time I will find him.
Keep writing! I love reading your blog!
“He was like the perfect house that was missing the library.”
Best. Line. Ever.
Love all of your posts, tweets, and Pinterest finds. Keep up the loveliness!
These are the exact words I I have not been able to express to my friends in the right way for the past 2 years! As Sarah C says, it puts me at ease that what I am feeling and having the same kind of haunting, is not crazy and is not something that only I am dealing with. Thank you!