5 years have passed, and he still haunts me.  They say a break-up takes time, but I’m not sure if some of the emotions ever go away.  I’ve moved on, I’m incredibly happy, but I can’t pretend that 3 years of my life didn’t happen – because it did happen.  I can’t say that those 3 years of my life were terrible either, they actually were quite wonderful.  I was in college, younger, freer, wilder, and the weight of life wasn’t so heavy on my shoulders.  I also can’t say that I didn’t deeply care about him – I did and I always will.

It’s not like I think about him all the time either, but he does cross my mind … I get mad at myself when he does, and feel guilty, because I know I’m more in love now than I ever was before, but honestly… he is still there, and he will always be there.

Relationships – long term ones – practically end up being like a “marriage,” when they end, it’s just like divorce.  You share all the same friends, and start having to split custody. It also reminds me of gluing two pieces of paper together and trying to separate them, it’s never clean.

I placed a good portion of what was supposed to be a good time in my life into one person.  One person who didn’t pan out.  And I can’t just burn all the memories. He is in EVERY college memory.   The guy knew me – so well – scary well. I mean I spent so much time with him, because you have so much extra time in college.  We did everything together. He was probably more of a best friend than a boyfriend – he was just always there. We traveled together, partied together, shopped together, did extra curricular activities together, spent family vacations together, everything – together. And I look back on those memories, and know they were happy times – really happy times – but it’s over.

Why is it over? Let me tell you, because it wasn’t right.  He was my best friend, the one person I trusted more than anyone else, but he was missing things I needed in a relationship. Every girl has something that they really “respect” in a man, and he was just missing that one thing.  No man is perfect.  If you had a list of the perfect man, each guy you date or even marry will be missing a few things on the list.  But, there are 3 things on that list that are the most important to you — must haves.  See, my ex had basically everything on my list, but he was missing two major things.  He didn’t have a big heart for God (that’s a huge negative for me) and he was too free-spirited.  You’d think a free-spirit would be a big plus, but it wasn’t for me.  He just didn’t care about what was going on in the world.  He didn’t care about history, politics, the bible, etc.  He was like the perfect house that was missing the library.

One thing about me is that I respect knowledge.  My father is an intellectual, the walking encyclopedia, so it’s something I respect. I’m not saying every man needs to be knowledgeable to gain my respect, it’s just important for me to have in a man. Plus, I really need a man that knows his bible and wants to have bible studies with me – I really desire that, and that was something I wasn’t receiving in that relationship.  The only interest he took in his own “faith,” was going to church a couple times a month.  I’m pretty sure that in our three years together he only prayed with me a handful of times — and I desired so much more than that.  And because I wasn’t receiving these important things, I stopped respecting him – and that is always the downfall of a relationship.

So, the truth is… Yeah – he crosses my mind and we had great times together, but he wasn’t for me.  I can be mad at myself for carrying something on for so long, but the truth is, I couldn’t help it.  I thought that I could live without the qualities that he didn’t have, but the truth is, I couldn’t. It took me a long long time to realize it, but I’m glad I did.

I am so incredibly happy now, I am in love with the man of my dreams, my forever — it just took me awhile to get to him, because I was so distracted by my past. I wish that I never dated any other man, because I hate that I have memories of other guys – and they’re haunting. But, ya know what? God brought those men into my life to mold me into who I am today.

Chins up! 

Diamond

Hi! Let me introduce myself. I’m a 20 something, finishing up my college career, single, & I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

When I say I have no idea, I truly mean it. When I was in high school I pictured college to be this magical land, filled with knowledge and handsome potential future husbands. In reality, it was filled with womanizing frat boys, (Not all of them, I know a few sweethearts) and my interactions with men were probably better in Kindergarten than in college – at least “cooties” gave me a genuine reason to avoid boys.  Anyways, I thought I’d leave college out on top… with an awesome job and perfect fiancé. Haha, yeah right…

I know I’m not a failure, but I can’t help but feel like one sometimes. Half of my friends have changed cities, or even changed states and have moved on to bigger and better things. Let me tell you, nothing slaps you in the face more than losing your roommates to success. One of my roommates recently moved to DC because she was offered an amazing job and the other one got married… then there’s me.

Everyone I know is getting married. I can’t sign on Facebook without seeing a new engagement. At the rate I’m going, I’m 20 bridesmaid dresses away from “27 Dresses”.  I should be happy for my friends, but to be honest with you, sometimes I’m jealous as heck, and I just want to scream. I know I’m still young and people call me crazy, but I want nothing more than to start a family. I mean, let’s be honest, if this was the 1800′s I’d be expecting my 3rd baby by now.

What it stems down to is I simply want the same happiness I witness all around me. I know God has a plan for me, I’m just having a tough time understanding what it is.

Two weeks ago, during one of my pity parties alone in my empty apartment, I found myself pinning (typical) … and I stumbled upon a quote on Pinterest that said: ”pray about it as much as you talk about it.” Then boom, it hit me… that was my problem. I was so busy hating my life situation, that I forgot to pray about it. So, I opened my Bible. It was as if God himself opened it up for me. I randomly flipped to Luke 11:9-10, which I had previously highlighted. It read: “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

After that day, I began to pray more, and I noticed the better my quality of life became. I noticed all the wrong doors closing and the right ones opening. I realized I was bringing myself down for no reason. I’m not a failure because I’m trying to figure out my life. I’m still young and I know God has a perfect plan for me.

Nowadays, society tells you that you need to be finished with college at a certain age, and have your dream job fresh out of college, but I’m sorry society, God has a different plan for me.  It may not be my life long goal of marrying my dream man out of college and starting a cute little family, but I’m sure it’s something so much greater.

As for now, I am just so thankful for what God has given me so far. I have an amazing group of family & friends who support and love me, I am healthy, and very blessed to have the opportunity to graduate from college. I’ve accomplished so much with the life I have been given, and if my next step is grad school, because I can’t find a job – then so be it, because that’s the direction God is bringing me in.

Ladies, we are our own worst enemies. Who cares if you’re not on the path society tells you to be on. God put you on this road for a purpose! Make the best out of what you have! Just do life the best you can and stop worrying about what other people think. That’s the beauty of being young, we have time to make mistakes and learn from them. Trust in the Lord, and He will always provide for you!

So let’s cheers to NOT knowing what we’re doing with our lives! One day when we’re old and stressed because the baby won’t stop crying, we’ll be kicking ourselves for taking these days for granted.

My daily devotional:

Xoxo,

Ruby

There have been so many times in my life where I’ve had to make the “right decision,” not what my heart necessarily wanted at the time, but what was right in the long run. When I was dating I would meet  so many “great guys.”  They’d seem so “perfect,” but there would be ONE thing missing, that morally I just couldn’t look past.

Aaron was a great guy – he stood out in the crowd, could have been his height, but literally he stood out. He smiled often – engaged the whole room, and women stared at him. I mean how could they not? He had perfect bone structure, his teeth were perfection, and he looked like he walked right out of an Express for men advertisement.

If that couldn’t be enough, he was in law school, was incredibly smart and confident, came from a good family, dressed impeccably; he somehow always found a way to wear a dress shirt and suit, and his shoes… I didn’t know a man could wear “sexy” shoes until I met Aaron.

Aaron and I met when he was in law school and I was attending college. There was some obnoxcious hippy event going on in the University courtyard, and he turned to me and said “look at these lunatics.” When I looked over to see who was speaking to me, I was shocked to see this beautiful man standing there. So, I started talking to him. I’d never met such a confident man before. He was so well versed and so politically sound. He asked me to dinner, so of course I went.

After talking to Aaron, I’m pretty sure I called my whole contact-book of girl friends saying “I met my future husband.” Ha, it didn’t play out that way though. Our first date was great, I was pretty sure he was the most perfect man I’d ever met. But, second date…. I found out he wasn’t a Christian. He told me it was “great and all” and “good for family values,” but it wasn’t for him, nor would it ever be. I remember my mouth dropping. I painted this perfect picture in my head and…. bam, now I’m trying to think of a million ways I could change him.

So, that’s what I did, I tried to change him. I kept hanging out with him 24/7. The more and more I hung out with him, the more crazy I became about him. Not realizing that he was bringing me further and further away from the direction I should be going in life. I thought I was falling in love. Everyone kept complimenting me on my “great catch” and saying how “lucky” I was. He was my trophy….. until it hit me one day… he was not a trophy. We were sitting over coffee, and he made some snarky comment about some Christians sitting behind us, he started blatantly making fun of the conversation they were having, and called them “stupid.”

I remember becoming very silent for awhile and then saying, “are you calling me stupid?” he just laughed, and said “well you couldn’t believe all of that, really?” I just sat there dumbfounded. I made a million excuses for him in my head, but then realized I was crazy. I stood up, and just left the cafe. He called me later, I explained myself, and we stopped talking for good.

It was honestly an extremely tough decision, but what I realized was that I was obsessed with the “idea” of him and the idea of what he could be. I imagined him to be so much greater than what he really was, when all he was, was a shallow man. After ending it, I noticed him go off and date many many many other women… and I started to notice that he really wasn’t that nice of a guy. He didn’t respect women, he never did nice things for me, never opened my door, never went out of his way to meet my friends, and he rarely complimented me. I was so blinded by his appearance, confidence, charm, and the idea of who I thought he was, that I forgot to even look at who he really was. He was selfish, and the more I thought about it – the uglier he became to me and the more sad I felt for him.

Girls can easily live in a dream state, and sometimes us ladies need to take a step back from the situation, and take a look at who we’re really dating. Ask yourself:

1. Do you have the same faith?
2. Do you have the same principles?
3. Is he bringing you up in life?
4. Is he making you a better person?
5. Can you see yourself marrying this person?
6. Would you like to have a son just like him?
7. Are you proud of him?
8. Are you proud of how you act when you’re with him?
9. Can you honestly tell your mom about him without lying about the little things?
10. Do you both want the same things out of life?
11. Does he treat you nicely?
12. Does he give you what you deserve?
13. Does he act like a man?
14. Does he respect you?
15. Is he bringing you closer to God?

Maybe it’s time for you to make some tough decisions.

Just think about it,

Diamond

It’s impossible to just move on from somebody you love. Sure after time the pain goes away, but you’ll never fully forget about the hurt that person put you through.

The shortened version of my breakup: He moved away after college, met some cute smart blonde at work, who knew he was in a relationship — and bam, next thing you know she was expressing her feelings to him, and he was wrapped around her dirty little fingers.  Of course I didn’t find out about it in a clean way, I found out about it while he was visiting for my BIRTHDAY. Talk about a “it’s my birthday, and I’ll cry if I want to” moment.

Anyways, apparently my ex was dumb.  Really dumb. He never had a passcode on his phone until this weekend of his visit. I was confused & curious as to why. He had made the password on his phone her first name, and it was the first password I tried when I expected he was cheating.  I typed in the first 4 letters of her name, and the second I heard the clicking noise of his iPhone opening, my heart cracked. My insides felt like they were falling onto the floor, and I just felt like laying there on the ground for days.

Once I worked up the courage to move, my initial reaction was to scream and yell, but when it wore off I didn’t feel any better.  It’s so strange, because I kept saying “I want to go home,” but by home I didn’t mean my actual home,  I meant my parents’ home… which was incredibly strange.  I think at the time, I just didn’t feel like anyone could nurture me, and nobody could make me feel better… and although I felt like my mom may not understand, I just needed someone who loved me.

I placed 3 years of my life into someone that I thought loved me, someone who I considered to be my best friend, someone I considered spending the rest of my life with — and when he did me wrong, I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone again. I felt so lied to, so cheated, so down… and there just wasn’t enough bottles of wine in the world to heal that empty feeling I had… and that is when I realized that nobody could heal my emptiness besides God and time.

This breakup ripped the rug out from under me and turned my whole world upside-down. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the idea of him replacing me so quickly. I felt worthless. He didn’t love me, he didn’t want me, he threw 3 years of happy memories away… for her. I kept asking myself  ”what’s so great about her?” “What does she have that I don’t?” And then one day everything just clicked. It takes a mean, selfish, dirty person to want to steal someone’s boyfriend, and it takes an awful guy to want to cheat on a good girl. So, at the end of the day, they were perfect for each other!  Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I started pitying them! And let me tell you, the moment you realize you deserve better, the better your days will be from that moment on.

If he truly loved me, he wouldn’t have done this to me. END. OF. STORY. We’ve all read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Love doesn’t break your heart. During the pain of this breakup I found my true comfort with God’s everlasting love. My relationship with the Lord grew, and I give all the thanks in the world to my ex, for pushing me to become closer to Christ. Patching up a broken heart takes time, but God sure healed my heart in the most beautiful way. He took me away from the man that was bringing me down, healed my heart, and prepared me to meet the most amazing man in the world, my husband. I could not be more blessed for that!

I’m telling you — breakups are so bad, and moving on might seem impossible, but the storm prepares you for something SO much GREATER. Haha, and don’t worry… one day your ex will realize the grass isn’t so much greener on the other side. The moment your ex sees you happy again, he’ll come crawling back (as they always do). But this time you’ll have the satisfaction of turning him down… and in the end that moment makes it all worth while!

BE STRONG!

- Diamond