One after another I’ve seen couples I know get divorced. It didn’t really bother me at first because I was younger & unmarried at the time. I just said to myself, “Well, that’s what ya get for getting married at 18 and 19 years old.” But as I got older I realized that the trend continued. I started to see couples get divorced before their wedding photos even came back.
It baffled me. I still shake my head thinking about it, since it’s hard for me to believe that you can go through all the effort of “preparing” to spend the rest of your life together.. then BAM, you say “I do” and then you’re off signing your divorce papers. I guess what it boils down to is that these couples really weren’t preparing for life together, they were just preparing for their wedding or the next big “milestone.”
What I’m trying to say is that sometimes a couple gets so caught up in the “next big thing,” they forget about the present. First it was the first date, the first “I love you”, first pet, big vacation, engagement, etc… But once the “big things” stop, if all you had were milestones, well… once they’re over, couples aren’t sure what to do. They start to claim that “they’re bored” or “the spark isn’t there” or “it just isn’t what I expected.” Well, sorry honey, but your life can’t be hectic forever. There are plenty of calm seasons that happen in life, and you need to make sure you can be with someone during the calm… the boring… the bad… etc…
I’ve got to say, you’d think couples would be happier during the calm… but eh, some relationships are too dysfunctional these days to truly appreciate the confines of a REALLY healthy calm relationship (probably because they’re bored the second they actually have to talk about real things). Some people really need the chaos, because that’s what they have in common… chaos or the excitement of looking forward to something big together — instead of having REAL chemistry and things in common.
See, what bothers me about a lot of these adrenaline junky couples, they run out of “big things” to do together to keep things exciting, so they realize the last one is marriage and children. Since “obviously” running off and getting married is “definitely” a way to become “unbored” and get your “spark” back in your relationship… Marriage won’t solve anything! If you’re bored and can’t communicate about real things before the “I do’s” your marriage is doomed from the get go. Too many couples don’t take in the seriousness of life together, in sickness & in health, & till death do us part. Their mindset instead is set on the next milestone, like planning a wedding, instead of communicating about their future and their real life goals.
I’m pretty sure this is SUPER backwards! When I was planning my marriage, I honestly could care less about the wedding day. My maid of honor wanted to kill me! She cared more about the details than I did. I mean yes it was special, amazing, a gift from God, and everything that I could hope for — But, it really wasn’t that important for me. What was more important to me was the man I was marrying at the end of aisle & the vows I was going to say. I could care less what font was on the programs or the color of the napkins on the table. (That’s what my MOH was for, haha) I wanted to have more than a beautiful wedding, I wanted a beautiful marriage.. and I became determined to make it work. I read the books, watched the videos, and tried to work everything out in my head. Since marriage to me is a ONE TIME THING.
One video that really helped is by Louie Giglio, you can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJmsgFoWSYQ . I’d say I came from a healthy background, but everyone has fears, based from their childhood or people they have witnessed, and this video put it all in perspective for me. (Not to mention, I think this is a good message for women who are attracted to the wrong type of men.)
Also, I read books that made me ask the RIGHT questions. I didn’t care about asking my husband (then fiance) “What color do you want the tablecloths at the wedding to be?” I was more interested in asking him “What is your biggest fear about marriage?” — “How do you want to raise our children?” — “How do you handle your anger when you’ve just completely had it with everything?” — “How do you handle your money, and what kind of debt do you have?” — And asking about his faith, God, and the list goes on. A lot of couples don’t think about asking the basics. They just say “We’re deeply in love, we know we’ll last! It doesn’t matter… blah blah” (Meanwhile they’re running off of pure endorphins– because the truth is it DOES MATTER) So, instead couples talk about the type of cake they’ll have at their wedding, instead of real issues. When let’s face it, it’s one stinking day!… when you’re supposed to be spending the REST OF YOUR LIFE TOGETHER, there are a LOT MORE QUESTIONS THAT MATTER MORE!
My goodness — if couples just communicated, there wouldn’t be as much divorce. If you sat down for a cup of coffee and actually talked about more than your wedding or chaos, you’d really have something special. REAL special, because it’s rare.
Now, let’s say someone got married, and now they feel “bored” or like they need to “experience more.” Well, DON’T GET DIVORCED. Work on this commitment. It is so much easier to run, but the truth is, relationships go through seasons. A marriage constantly changes. There are exciting times, boring times, adventurous times, angry times, painful times, loving times, peaceful times — etc, etc… You may have reached a tough spot, but you’ll get through it. It is NEVER too late to communicate. Sit down and TALK. Discuss what each other wants and needs.
When someone wants to get divorced, it’s usually because they’re not communicating their feelings. The person doesn’t know how to explain what they really need to feel loved. Some people need quality time, others need gifts or affection. Everyone is different, so explain what YOU NEED to be happy. Running is selfish — a commitment was made, and it should be honored… and then God will honor your relationship! … Plus, so much happiness comes from a relationship that honors God!
There is no better feeling than to be loved by someone that stays with you through thick and thin — even when they know everything about you, the same way God loves us. And you can’t experience this unconditional love in your relationship if you’re not willing to stay through tough times. An even better love comes after the storm, stick it out!
Anyways, if ya have any questions, I’m always here to talk!
Wow! Ive been married for 5 years and I couldn’t have written my own thoughts any better than this. Getting married is so much more beautiful and precious than a wedding! Loved this post!
I completely agree with you when it comes to my (upcoming) marriage, but I do have to say that divorce does sometimes have a time and a place. There are times when abuse or total incompatibility make it impossible to have a happy marriage, or even a tolerable marriage. My parents were astoundingly incompatible- I am baffled that they ever managed to get married. Their divorce was awful for all of us, but it ended up being one of the best things that could have happened to our family. The same is true of the result of my fiancé’s parents’ divorce. At the end of the day, as the result of divorce and remarriage, we have a bigger and more fantastic family than we ever could have if our parents had stayed married. I have a half brother, his dad, a step mom, and soon to be step mother in law, step sister in law, and step brother in law who I never would have been blessed with if it weren’t for divorce!
I am far more excited for my marriage than I am for my wedding, but I certainly don’t look down on people who have done everything they can and have no other option but to divorce.
My husband and I just celebrated our 8 year anniversary and are expecting our first baby girl in just 5 short weeks. I am so glad we pushed through the boring, exciting, painful, loving, peaceful, and down right selfish times so we can have this sweet time together. Every year is so different from the next and I’m sure a child will come with all new interesting obstacles of its own! But as we move fwd I will be encouraged by your words and wisdom to press through!!
You took how I feel about marriage and eloquently turned them into words. But what if it’s a one sided sentiment and your parrner’s response to hard/boring/challenging times is to run and/or throw the “D” word around even though they don’t mean or want that? I agree that communication is key but both parties have to be able to communicate and do it effectively. What if one can’t or refuses to acknowledge the issues?
Man my husband needs to see this. He never tells me how he feels. I’m the communicator and not receiving it back. We have been married over a year and have a beautiful 9mon old baby girl. He is selfishly bailing on us to supposedly live a happier life he says. Sad. I pitty a person who leaves their family behind to be about themselves. I am getting stronger everyday.
Keep ur head up nicole ur better off without the coward
Nicole, I totally understand. My first husband and I met in high school and married at 22 when we finished college. Three years later we had bought a house and gotten pregnant. At this time he decided he wanted to fall in love with someone else because he never got a chance to “shop around”. So I was left with my new infant girl, and I am glad. We often pray for God to change anothers heart or to fix our problems. God often says “no”. We don’t understand why and it hurts. There is no greater pain than loving someone and giving yourself to them completely only to have them say that your best isn’t good enough. The deepest cut of all. Give your pain and trust to God. He has a much greater plan. Let your husband go and you walk away with dignity. Hold yourself accountable to God alone and you will be happy, I promise. I am now happily remarried to my perfect mate. If it were not for all of the pain I had, I would not have the appreciation and knowledge I have now. The little things are just that, little things. We have true communication, not won arguments. Don’t waste your time wanting someone who doesn’t want you. You are worth more, and no longer have that kind of time. Focus on your baby and be a woman you would want her to be. Act and behave as a lady should, as someone with grace and love in her heart and this will make you a better momma for her. For God loves with grace and forgives you too. Also, marriage is a two way street. This means you took part in it, and often, what you deemed as right in your opinion may have been received as something else. perception is a tricky thing. when I thought I was most supportive, he saw me as de-emasculating and not needing him. I did all I could to make him happy, but we had different love languages. Marriage is not 50-50, divorce is. Marriage is 100-100. Give it your all, but you are only accountable for your side, you can’t control another. If he wants out, let him. God will handle him. Good luck and congrats on a wonderful baby. Enjoy her, pour all of your love into her and trust in God. He has it all worked out, just listen
I understand where you’re all coming from, but one of the hardest things I realized–that Nicole above has no doubt realized too–is that it takes two to say “I do” but only one to say “Just kidding, I don’t.” While we’re all imperfect and make mistakes, the choice to end a marriage is often made by one of the parties, and unfortunately, the other party simply has to learn to accept it. This is the worst kind of grief, because it’s not only the loss of the spouse, but the rejection, betrayal, and often the judgement (usually worst from the church!) that come with it. Just a word, please be kind to those who are divorced or who are going through a divorce. You do not know what it’s like to walk in their shoes. Also, a great blog to read to better understand the other side of this: http://www.elisabethcorcoran.com/.
Thanks for your thoughts.
I am getting a divorce after 22yrs marriage. I had three children with this abusive, drug using man. I would never recommend divorce for anyone, unless being abused, addiction is involved or adultery. Divorce is hard on everyone and like a death of a loved one. I morn the family i had, even though it was screwed up at times, there were good times. I am looking forward for a life without the abuse of myself and my children. But, again, if its not something horrible going on in your marriage, go to counseling, dig in, forgive and make it work. Divorce is the pits, but im not regretting it.