One after another I’ve seen couples I know get divorced. It didn’t really bother me at first because I was younger & unmarried at the time. I just said to myself, “Well, that’s what ya get for getting married at 18 and 19 years old.” But as I got older I realized that the trend continued. I started to see couples get divorced before their wedding photos even came back.
It baffled me. I still shake my head thinking about it, since it’s hard for me to believe that you can go through all the effort of “preparing” to spend the rest of your life together.. then BAM, you say “I do” and then you’re off signing your divorce papers. I guess what it boils down to is that these couples really weren’t preparing for life together, they were just preparing for their wedding or the next big “milestone.”
What I’m trying to say is that sometimes a couple gets so caught up in the “next big thing,” they forget about the present. First it was the first date, the first “I love you”, first pet, big vacation, engagement, etc… But once the “big things” stop, if all you had were milestones, well… once they’re over, couples aren’t sure what to do. They start to claim that “they’re bored” or “the spark isn’t there” or “it just isn’t what I expected.” Well, sorry honey, but your life can’t be hectic forever. There are plenty of calm seasons that happen in life, and you need to make sure you can be with someone during the calm… the boring… the bad… etc…
I’ve got to say, you’d think couples would be happier during the calm… but eh, some relationships are too dysfunctional these days to truly appreciate the confines of a REALLY healthy calm relationship (probably because they’re bored the second they actually have to talk about real things). Some people really need the chaos, because that’s what they have in common… chaos or the excitement of looking forward to something big together — instead of having REAL chemistry and things in common.
See, what bothers me about a lot of these adrenaline junky couples, they run out of “big things” to do together to keep things exciting, so they realize the last one is marriage and children. Since “obviously” running off and getting married is “definitely” a way to become “unbored” and get your “spark” back in your relationship… Marriage won’t solve anything! If you’re bored and can’t communicate about real things before the “I do’s” your marriage is doomed from the get go. Too many couples don’t take in the seriousness of life together, in sickness & in health, & till death do us part. Their mindset instead is set on the next milestone, like planning a wedding, instead of communicating about their future and their real life goals.
I’m pretty sure this is SUPER backwards! When I was planning my marriage, I honestly could care less about the wedding day. My maid of honor wanted to kill me! She cared more about the details than I did. I mean yes it was special, amazing, a gift from God, and everything that I could hope for — But, it really wasn’t that important for me. What was more important to me was the man I was marrying at the end of aisle & the vows I was going to say. I could care less what font was on the programs or the color of the napkins on the table. (That’s what my MOH was for, haha) I wanted to have more than a beautiful wedding, I wanted a beautiful marriage.. and I became determined to make it work. I read the books, watched the videos, and tried to work everything out in my head. Since marriage to me is a ONE TIME THING.
One video that really helped is by Louie Giglio, you can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJmsgFoWSYQ . I’d say I came from a healthy background, but everyone has fears, based from their childhood or people they have witnessed, and this video put it all in perspective for me. (Not to mention, I think this is a good message for women who are attracted to the wrong type of men.)
Also, I read books that made me ask the RIGHT questions. I didn’t care about asking my husband (then fiance) “What color do you want the tablecloths at the wedding to be?” I was more interested in asking him “What is your biggest fear about marriage?” — “How do you want to raise our children?” — “How do you handle your anger when you’ve just completely had it with everything?” — “How do you handle your money, and what kind of debt do you have?” — And asking about his faith, God, and the list goes on. A lot of couples don’t think about asking the basics. They just say “We’re deeply in love, we know we’ll last! It doesn’t matter… blah blah” (Meanwhile they’re running off of pure endorphins– because the truth is it DOES MATTER) So, instead couples talk about the type of cake they’ll have at their wedding, instead of real issues. When let’s face it, it’s one stinking day!… when you’re supposed to be spending the REST OF YOUR LIFE TOGETHER, there are a LOT MORE QUESTIONS THAT MATTER MORE!
My goodness — if couples just communicated, there wouldn’t be as much divorce. If you sat down for a cup of coffee and actually talked about more than your wedding or chaos, you’d really have something special. REAL special, because it’s rare.
Now, let’s say someone got married, and now they feel “bored” or like they need to “experience more.” Well, DON’T GET DIVORCED. Work on this commitment. It is so much easier to run, but the truth is, relationships go through seasons. A marriage constantly changes. There are exciting times, boring times, adventurous times, angry times, painful times, loving times, peaceful times — etc, etc… You may have reached a tough spot, but you’ll get through it. It is NEVER too late to communicate. Sit down and TALK. Discuss what each other wants and needs.
When someone wants to get divorced, it’s usually because they’re not communicating their feelings. The person doesn’t know how to explain what they really need to feel loved. Some people need quality time, others need gifts or affection. Everyone is different, so explain what YOU NEED to be happy. Running is selfish — a commitment was made, and it should be honored… and then God will honor your relationship! … Plus, so much happiness comes from a relationship that honors God!
There is no better feeling than to be loved by someone that stays with you through thick and thin — even when they know everything about you, the same way God loves us. And you can’t experience this unconditional love in your relationship if you’re not willing to stay through tough times. An even better love comes after the storm, stick it out!
Anyways, if ya have any questions, I’m always here to talk!