About two months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend after two years of dating. He treated me like a princess and was my best friend. But he was ready for marriage, and even though I knew that I wanted to marry him someday too, I still had some damage from my ex and wasn’t ready. Because of my own insecurities, I drove a wedge between us for months before the break-up. Now, I don’t know what I was thinking. I think that I really just needed to talk about it with him, but I was afraid of hurting him. Now my insecurities seem like something far off in the past, but I did hurt him and he wants nothing to do with me. I’ve tried to explain things, I’ve said I was in the wrong, and I’ve apologized over and over again. But he still thinks that it is best for us to move on. Obviously I can’t force someone to be in a relationship with me, but where do I go from here? How do you move on from a perfect relationship with bad timing?
I was going to write you a long explanation of a similar situation that I went through… but instead, let me tell you the ending to my story. I didn’t marry the guy I dated for two and a half years – we broke up. I will say though, our breakup was probably one of the most painful things I’ve ever gone through. I have NEVER cried so hard in my life. I have NEVER drank so much and I have NEVER acted so incredibly insane, ever! It reminds me a little of the song, “Mama’s broken heart.”
After the breakup, I was so incredibly sad because I felt like I had lost my best friend. I was angry at myself because I felt that I hadn’t appreciated what I had – until I lost it. I had intentionally become distant with him towards the end of the relationship, because I didn’t feel complete; I felt like I could live without him. The problem was, the second we broke up … I THOUGHT I couldn’t possibly live without him!
The truth is… He was a comfortable relationship, and I just felt like a kid who had her blankie taken away.
While we were together, some things felt right in our relationship, but in a lot of ways, I had grown past him. One of the tell-tale signs was that throughout the whole relationship I had trouble imagining myself marrying him, and if I did imagine it, I would picture it really farrrrr down the road.
My ex was great to me. We were best friends, traveled together, laughed together, and did everything together. We had so much in common, and we both loved adventure. He was very sweet and I can’t remember one time that we really ever fought… (Well, after the break-up we fought, but that’s only because break-ups make girls insane.) He was also close to my family; he spent a lot of time talking with my mom, he became a part of my family and I became a part of his.
Almost every memory of college involves him. We were happy, but problem was, I constantly thought about someone I dated for a short while before him. I felt like there was unfinished business. The inner turmoil made it very hard for me to take our relationship seriously, rendering it impossible to think about the future with him.
Erin, it may be hard to believe it now, but you’ve gotta trust your gut feeling. If you felt a need to break it off, maybe there should be a break. A guy can seem perfect, but at the same time, he may not be perfect for you. My ex was not right for me. He was perfect in so many ways, and it broke my heart to say goodbye to him. Even a year after we broke up, I thought about him constantly. I would tell myself I made a big mistake. But, what’s crazy, the moment I met my husband I barely ever thought of him again.
His memories will always be there, but the pain subsided with the realization that there was a purpose in it all. What I came to realize is that my ex was like the perfect home except that something was missing… let’s call it the fireplace. However, after meeting my husband, I found the absolutely perfect home, fireplace and all! In the past, I seriously never really thought about marriage. I mean, I knew I would get married, but with my ex, I never imagined walking down the aisle towards him, and I definitely never counted the days until a ring was on my finger.
You wanna know the difference? With my ex I didn’t want to rush the relationship, maybe because there was some doubt. When I met my husband, however, I couldn’t wait for us to get closer. I couldn’t wait to be his girlfriend. I couldn’t wait until he said “I love you.” I couldn’t wait until we got engaged. I couldn’t wait until our wedding day – and now I can’t wait until he gets home from work! When you know, you know. With my husband, when I came home from our first date, I told my best friend (Ruby) that very same night, “I’m going to marry that guy.” I’D NEVER SAID SOMETHING LIKE THAT BEFORE.
When you have doubts in a relationship, it’s typically because something is missing. Breakups are hard, but for now…. let him go! If you’re meant to be with him, God will bring your two paths back together at a later time. But for now, work on yourself, join a bible study group, and get happy again. There’s a reason for everything, you may not see it now, but you will later on.
Another idea: If you had any doubts in your relationship, take the time to think about what they were and make a list. It’s important to know this so you don’t make the same mistake twice, and it helps to clarify your decision. It took some time, but I know now why my ex and I didn’t work out. There were issues, (deal breakers) I couldn’t get past.
Here were my issues:
1. He called himself a “Catholic,” but he didn’t have a relationship with God.
2. He caused me to stray away from God.
3. He had to be told to do almost everything. He was incredibly intelligent, he just never pushed himself. He was so used to having his mother push him that it made it impossible for him to push himself. It made it very hard for me to respect him.
4. He was spoiled growing up and automatically assumed the world would fall into his hands.
5. He made me unproductive, but actually, my main problem was with: #1 & #2.
That relpy couldnt be more perfect. Extremely well said!
your one and two are quite similar to mine hence why i one day woke up and had to call it off. i regret it for i did want to marry him and have his children. my world has come crashing down. and i do regret my decision but i couldnt go on with a guy who didnt even believe in God. now i just have to figure out how to get on with my life.
wow, you want … expect that he thinks the way that you approve of?
Beautifully said. I’ll also take this advice because I am going through the same exact thing. Thank you so much.
Wow! I really needed to read this. I just broke up with my bf because it just didn’t feel complete for me. He is an amazing, intelligent and handsome young man that will be a great catch for someone else.
I am having regrets and wondering if I’m crazy but if there’s a feeling of void there I have to trust my instincts and move on. Besides it wouldn’t be fair to keep him in a relationship that I am unable to put 100% of my emotions into. I miss him a great deal and it’s only been a day but I have to let him go and find happiness.
New visitor to the blog. Saw this post and knew I had to read it. I broke up with my boyfriend of a year, just a little over a year ago. We were best friends and got along great. He would do aaaanything for me. Buy me anything I wanted. People LOVE him. He’s great. There was nothing wrong, per se, I just knew it wasn’t right. I got that nervous, queasy feeling in my stomach that I wrestled with for a few months before I broke up with him, with me sobbing the whole time and not being able to give him a good reason why. Anyway, I’ve been beating myself up for the past year, wondering if it was the right decision. I think it just boils down to the fact that it wasn’t right, but I lost my best friend in the deal, which makes it bittersweet. Thanks for this post, it makes me feel a lot better knowing that I’m not the only one wrestling with this.
I broke up with my ex recently (for the second time) after dating for only six months. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make, because he treated me so well and has so many qualities I’m looking for in a partner. But I could tell in my gut that we weren’t really a good match. I like the analogy of the perfect home with a missing fireplace. That’s how I felt about my ex when we were together, and both times we broke up all I could think about was “Do I *really* need a fireplace to be happy, if the rest of the home is so perfect??” but the truth of the matter is, he may have been the best man to ever love me, and he may be an exceptionally kind and genuine person, but at the end of the day we can’t just settle for a good relationship because it’s the best we’ve known when deep down inside we know there is something in our gut telling us to walk away. If we’re stuck in the wrong relationship, no matter how good it seems on the surface, we can’t be ready and open for the right relationship when it comes along. I know this, but it’s been a constant struggle to remind myself when I think about how much I miss him and how much he has had to hurt because of my decision. But sometimes we have to accept pain and even hurt others if it means doing the right thing. Nobody has to understand why things work out the way that they do, but they always work out in the end. As sad as I am when I think of my ex, I try to remember that this is what’s best for both of us, not just me. You aren’t doing anybody any favores my staying with a person because you’re scared that’s the best you’re going to get! Somebody else will come along and you’ll never look back. Until then, just have faith that life will be so generous to you again, and that there’s no need to be afraid *hugs*
I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years four days ago and have been fighting myself and my feeling of wanting him back. He has in fact been the best relationship I have been in with moments of thoughtfulness and consideration. Our relationship had its issues this past year because he wasn’t working and I was carrying the weight financially. I ultimately started feeling unappreciated but this was not my deciding factor. My main reasoning was because he would not move in with me and that he would only come over two days a week. I felt that with as much as I was doing for our relationship I should have this commitment. I am heartbroken and feel like I was the one dumped. I miss him and want him. I had completely envisioned us marrying, having children so this is very hard. My daughter considered him to be her daddy because he completely took that role. It feels like the end and I am not sure if I should contact him again. I know for the sake of my child I do not want to bring any other man in her life.
This reply gave me so much hope! This is exactly what I went through. If you’re not 100% sure then its not worth it. Don’t settle because you think thats as good as its going to get. I wasn’t head over heels truly happy with my boyfriend so instead of leading him on more i broke it off. Yes it hurts and break ups suck but eventually you’ll move on and meet someone and realize why it didn’t work out in the first place.
How beautifully said. Thank you. I am ready to look forward.
I definitely needed to read this too. Going through the same situation. I am starting to feel really guilty now though like maybe I didn’t try hard enough and give it my all to love him. He also wants nothing to do with me and I heard from him that he asked a girl for her number and they’ve been hanging out (we’ve been broken up for a few weeks).
This is wonderful advice and I think I will read it every single day just to remind myself that everything will work out and hopefully someday I will be able to see the purpose for it all.
Has anyone managed to have a friendly relationship with the ex later down the road?
Thanks again everyone for sharing your experiences!
Wow, I really needed to read this Diamond. Great advice. I too was dating a guy who was really good to me. He wanted a relationship, but I was just coming out of a 16 year marriage and just started dating again. I did like him so much. He was so funny and we had all the same interests. I started to fall for him. But we broke up over a tiny little spat. I didn’t realize how much stress our relationship was causing him because he really wanted it to work and I think he thought I was never going to give him the relationship he wanted. We broke up. Neither of us saw it coming. I mean, I was so happy with him. But I waivered back and forth about how true my feelings were or was it just that I “liked” him SO much and he treated me so well. But I did want that feeling where you just “know”.
I’ve been regretting my decision thinking I didn’t really give this relationship a chance because I wasn’t ready. Now, I’m thinking maybe I should leave it alone because I don’t want to hurt him anymore…even though I miss him so much.
I need to wait for the I left my marriage for. Yes, because I did it before. I married the good guy who gave me security, but it also turned out to be a very difficult marriage. I promised myself when I do enter another serious relationship or marriage, it will be because I have no doubt in my mind he is the one.
Thank you for this.
I just recently left my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years. The hardest thing to go through. I have left him 2x before, each time moving in with him and moving out. I know this sounds crazy. I went back each time because I loved him so much, but there was this nagging gut feeling that something was not right. There was the obvious of course, his habit of pot smoking, which he would do all day. He is a fireman and they have days off ( 6 in a row sometimes) and the days he had off he just wanted to drink and get high or surf. I work, and when I would come home I would see he was high and it just made things awkward, I don’t partake. I told him once I loved being with him when he was not high or drinking. He could carry a great conversation and wasn’t indecisive . We got along perfectly, great chemistry. So in love . I asked him to stop smoking and drinking so much. It would stop for awhile than he would start again. He wanted to marry, but my gut told me something was wrong. Anyhow, it’s been 2 weeks and I really miss him. He has already moved on and has a new girlfriend. It is going to take me a long time to get over this.
This was so refreshing to read. I had the perfect guy in my hands- model status, dedicated, on fire for God, but I realized some spark was missing between us. The spark I needed to genuinely love him, even though he loved me with a sincere love of God. I have been feeling sick to my stomach thinking- maybe I have commitment issues or maybe I’m selfish. But I just couldn’t put him through an emotional rollercoaster anymore and had to tell him a firm answer that it was a no to dating because I couldn’t find a peace about it after 6 months. He was my best friend and I keep regretting my failure of not being able to love him like he loved me because he is absolutely Prince Charming in so many ways. I can’t even put a finger on why I couldn’t feel stronger for him. I pray for him everyday and sometimes cry. I want what is best for him- I ask God all the time why it’s not me and why I never felt a perfect peace about it all. I miss my friend. I fear never being able to love anyone. I had my heart broken severely as a child and as a teen, and haven’t found anyone else to make me feel real love for them. I wish it was my guy, but I’m holding out for that “we just knew we were right for each other”. I don’t believe I’m ready to get married yet anyways. I’m 22 and still trying to figure out which direction God is leading me on. I know God will bring my husband when my soul is satisfied in Him and I am doing the work God intended for me to do.
I know exactly how you feel. It’s been three months since I broke up with my ex that I dated for a year and a half and I keep thinking I made the biggest mistake of my life. I just can’t get over him. I keep thinking…if only I tried harder…if only I appreciated him more…:(
Hi Erika, it brought back some sad memories after reading your post. I, too, grew up in a family where there were hardly any love & affection. Being Asian, my parents favoured my brother over me. When I was 17 & just started junior college, a guy fell in love with me at the first sight( this was what he admitted). He was good-looking, athletic & really really sweet & considerate towards me. I, on the other hand, came from an all girls’ school before was socially awkward & geeky , so I didn’t know what my 1st BF saw in me.anyway, he was a very genuine & kind person who knew my ridiculously strict parents’ situation. (I couldn’t date until I was 21 at least! & the guy must pass their approval & criteria)after being discovered I was going out on dates, my parents flew into a rage & forced me to break up with him via a 3rd party! There must not be any further contact whatsoever. I got a girl friend to relate the cruel news of having to break up with him & I had to say the cruelest ‘reason ‘ that he wasn’t good enough for me. Till this day(25years had past), I still regretted what I was forced to do & felt extremely guilty & terrible! He was devastated & confused but I couldn’t even console him cos my parents were like hawks , threatening me with emotional blackmail. I resent my parents till today for their actions.
However, out of the blue after no contact for 25 years, this first ex-BF emailed me to say hi & we have been communicating on and off for the last 3months. He is of course now married with kids but he confessed that due to my parents’ actions, his whole life’s happiness has been destroyed. He even texted me last month that I was the person he wanted to be with for the rest of his life & he would love me with all his heart & life. I felt even worse cos I had never experienced so much love from one person before , not even from my parents. Although so many years had past but my ex could still remember so many things during our short 3 months together. He also said that I was his first love & he prefers that to anything else( cos I asked him if he could be my best buddy now). He also said that the reason he contacted me through email was that he wanted to make up for the lost years with me. ( I wonder what that implies?)
Anyway, the communication is less frequent this month after I told him what happened exactly back then. To him then, I was the one he wanted to marry & I broke his heart. I was guilt-stricken & terribly upset & he was crushed by my ‘decision’, thinking for his whole life that the reason why I broke up with him was that he was not good enough for me & I dumped him for another guy( all false!)
I want to say thank you ladies ! I also broke up with my bf after 3 1/2 yr was one of the hardest choices I ever made because I love him so much.
Reading the above responses helped me a lot knowing I am not alone and I made the right choice.
It is weird to read all these.
My girlfriend of 4 years just broke up with me spontaneously over the phone when she went to visit her family then went on to move out all her items when I’m at work.
Everything I did was for her, long story short. She works as a nurse, when she was getting her year of experience in I turned down multiple $65k positions so we wouldn’t have to relocate. Now she is making $70k, she is comfortable and just leaves. As she is moving out, she is petty and takes all the silverware, laundry detergent, food in the fridge….just really petty stuff.
Throughout it all, I have not said one rude things to her, we still had two months rent on the apartment we lived in. She said she would pay for her half still but she only did the first month so I would give my intent of leaving so she could move into her new place. Now I’m pinching pennies to pay for everything since she doesn’t feel like it anymore.
We were together when we were dirt poor. I would buy her small items and eat an apple all day so she would feel special.
When she would feel down, I would pick her up. Everything I did, I did for her yet, I was not clingy. I told her from year 1 together that if there was anything she wanted to do….then do it! Life is too short to not experience it. I told her that I wanted her to go have fun, now 4 years later she is saying that she doesn’t know herself and needs to be alone and experience life. She hasn’t been happy for the past two months, yet I asked her if she was happy 1 1/2 ago and she said yes.
She is posting in facebook all these random posts looking for pseudo interaction and updating her profile pic every week.
I still haven’t said anything mean or rude after the hell she has put me through. I was broken up with over the phone a month ago and still haven’t seen her.
For all women out there that say that “the perfect place but without the fireplace”. If that was really the case, then why didn’t you communicate with your ex that? Did you try too? It is too easy to say something is missing after everything is said and done. It could completely be that you are missing something and just place the blame on him.
LOL you are so bitter it’s sad. Don’t take your bitterness for your ex-gf out on us. Grow up. We have the right to breakup with whoever we please because it is OUR right to do whatever it takes to make ourselves happy. Go take your misplaced anger to your mommy.
I think everyone can agree that the way she broke up with him was pretty shitty. And if it is true then just consider yourself lucky because you found out now rather than later. There is no reason to attack him for expressing his feelings. He is obviously is in a lot of pain and you dreally dont need to be a b**ch about it. Take care of yourself Soran and don’t waste too much time thinking about your ex. She doesn’t seem like she respects you at all. Take care of yourself and move on.
Yea, I don’t know what’s wrong w/ Jan–that was a really immature and harsh response to someone who had gone through such a painful breakup. It takes courage to post on a forum full of women on the other side of the fence. As women on the breakup side, we should really show some compassion to guys who are wondering what happened, that they would even come here. Soran–that girl sounded like she didn’t appreciate you. I broke up with my ex, but in the 10 months we dated, I always appreciated every gesture he made towards me and let him know it. There are nicer girls out there, good luck.
I regret breaking up with my ex two years ago. If you’re really so nice to her, it’s her loss. I’m going through so much torture for realising how bad I behaved and how much I missed out.
Soran, I agree with you. I think a lot of women think all of their happiness should come from their man, but that isn’t fair. No one person can be everything to another person. That’s an unhealthy point of view. It does take two people to make the relationship great and it takes a lot of non-defensive communication.It’s also important to focus on what we need to work on and not blame our feeling of ‘something’s missing’ on a guy. It can be our own insecurities that are getting in the way and cause us to feel unhappy in a relationship- especially if the guy is like you.
I really loved reading this. This post made me feel loads better. Even though I only dated my ex for 3 months there was always something missing. He was willing to do so much for me and help me out. He was a gorgeous guy too. Looked like an Abercombie and Fitch model. But there were things about him that bothered me such as his grammar and the way he spoke which wasn’t very good English. He wasn’t the smartest tool in the box either. All beauty but no brains per say. But other then that he was fabulous to me and dedicated his life to me and was loyal to me. There was just always something missing. I never really felt complete with him. There were nights where I didn’t even wanna talk to him I just wanted to go to sleep. I started putting my phone on silent at night so he wouldn’t bother me. His Dad got involved in our relationship which made me feel uncomfortable. His son was his still baby boy. So when you know something missing and you don’t wanna settle. Just do the right thing for yourself. As bad as I’ve felt this whole week and bald my eyes out every morning about it. I have to remember why I broke up with him in the first place. The way he reacted to our break up was very harsh and immature. So I think in the end it was the right decision.
I really needed this today. Thank you.
I just broke up with a boyfriend of 10 months. Thank you for sharing your reasons for breakup and the thought process. It’s hard to find something like that online because it’s so personal. It’s been a week and a day, and I’ve been crying all last week because of how I felt I had let him down for all his efforts, and I was wondering if I made a mistake.
He was Catholic too, and pretty “into” his faith but more in an intellectual rather than spiritual way. He liked reading Catholic books and listening to Catholic radio, but he didn’t relate to God the way myself and others at church do. He followed God’s commandments and went to church on Sundays, but didn’t have a prayer/devotional life–he didn’t have that element of “personal relationship” with God. He would try to pull me over to Catholicism too, but it was mostly things that made me feel like at most “there’s a lot of rich history and tradition” and he didn’t really share on how all the traditions and stuff shaped his walk with God so I wasn’t convinced. That said, I felt he was so close to that relational aspect and really made my best effort to pray for and position him to receive ministry, fellowship, and prayer.
He started to come to my church exclusively towards the end (he had been going to both because to miss mass is a mortal sin), even after we learned there are “eternal consequences” to leaving the Catholic church. But it was hard for him to connect spiritually to the very different worship service (contemporary songs, no Eucharist, prayer response time/ministry/open to the Holy Spirit) and he felt things didn’t “click” with him even though he was trying. He liked the community and he liked the content of the sermons most of the time and felt it was interesting. But he was trying hard because he wanted to be with me.
I felt torn because I knew I was in a good church where I became Christian and have grown the past 10+ years. I knew it was a good place to be for young couples because there are a lot of us around this age (late 20s, 30s) and phase of life. It’s basically where I felt I wanted to be. If I left to go with him, there would be nothing for me–he didn’t establish community or any kind of ministry.
In a nutshell–the issue was that the guy’s spiritual maturity was not at a point where I felt I could run away with him and be spiritually in a good place. If he were a mature Christian (even Catholic) I felt I could be different. But as of now, my church is hands down the place to be for me to keep growing and I had hoped to bring him into it. I felt guilty that his main reason was to be with me, but he was continually “not clicking” here. And I couldn’t be certain about the relationship because he was not embracing the opportunities or growing. I couldn’t yoke myself with a guy who was still at the stage of “does God really care? Why did he make it so hard in the bible for us to know Him? Why can’t he just make it clear?” when I needed a guy to be at a stage of “I love God and want to build His kingdom. I know you need to be washed and ministered to–so do I, and I want to grow with you.” So at 10 months, I felt I needed to break it off. I felt frustrated every time I asked him after a sunday message how it was and he just said “it was ok” or criticized the way people prayed, instead of sharing more on how the message hit him and how it encourages him about God.
There were other reasons too that contributed to my uncertainty, like his job/education (I have a masters and a management job, he didn’t finish his masters and while he was frustrated w/ his job not promoting him he didn’t seem focused on applying for other jobs), immature humor (this wasn’t too bad, he would just laugh at things I don’t think are funny), and not being street smart (not taking preventive measures in life like fixing a car issue before it becomes something serious, taking care to check things out w/ the doctor before something small becomes something worse, etc) which didn’t give me assurance that he would be able to take care of himself or me.
He was so respectful of physical boundaries though, treated me really well, better than he treated himself. He usually wouldn’t even eat out, but when we got together we would eat out and he would usually pay. I know he went way out of his comfort zone and his whole lifestyle and how he was raised in the Catholic church, to try to be with me. I think he genuinely made an immense effort to be with me, but that aspect of spiritual growth, you just can’t push or make it happen without God and the person’s own conviction. The only other way I could see if this was to work out would be to bite my lip and commit myself to another 6 months of so of waiting to see how things will work out and if he’ll grow. And there’s no way to know if and when that will happen. At age 32, I had to just make a decision because time does pass by. It’s so sad I just hope that this break gives him the space in his heart to really hunger for God and seek Him first. I still hold out the possibility that if he changes and grows and God leads our paths together in the future, never say never, because I liked him a lot and enjoyed all our times together.
Trust me! Whenever I pray to God to make me understand why a certain thing is happening, He always answers my question or prayer.I often get surprised at realizing that what is happening is the answer to my question months or years ago. God has plans for us. If a guy is for you,God will bring him back.If not, someone better will come. Everything has a reason,to teach us a lesson, to improve our character, to mold us to become better partners for the right person.God has plans and sometimes being single is good because you get to have more time with other special people like family, friends and,ultimately,God.
I think the hardest part about our situations is we fall so head over heels in love with these men who treat us like gold, and then we feel guilty for walking away from somebody who in the most fundamental ways was so perfect.
But what if the thing we loved most about them was how much they loved us?
I love my ex, don’t get me wrong, and I’m incredibly sad to have to say goodbye to him, but i genuinely think that as much as i like him and what he added to my life, it was never really love for me. It was attachment. I love the way he loves me, so I’m attached to the idea of keeping him around to maintain that stability and closeness, and so I dont have to worry that nobody will love me so perfectly like he did ever again. But if I’m only in love with the way he treats me and not the person who he is fundamentally then I’m wasting both of our time, and in essence I’m using him.
I wanted to want it so badly, but I don’t.
I wanted it to work out, but it didn’t.
I will try as hard as i can not to beat myself up over this decision, but for as long as it felt like the right thing to do, i have to accept that it will feel weird for a while but that i should be proud of myself for not prolonging the inevitable.
For anybody who has broken up with the same person more than once, remember to trust yourself. If you keep running into different versions of the same problems with no hope for the future then as hard as it is to accept, realize now is the time to work on yourselves.
This relationship you shared, including the breakup, will push you both to reflect on who you are, what you want, and what you’ve learned from each other. Perhaps over time you’ll both grow into people who could even be perfect for each other. But you’re not perfect for each other today, so for everybody to have their best chance of being in a healthy, happy relationship It’s time to cut yourself some slack from all the fear, the guilt and regret, and instead focus on you for a while and all the positive things you’ve got going
I’m pretty young, 19, and I just broke up with my boyfriend of six months. I loved him to pieces, he was the only one so far I have ever been properly attracted to. But I was sad a lot in the relationship, he confused me a lot, wasn’t very open, and did/said things that left me worrying about our future, even though he said he wanted one with me. But like has been said before, I loved how he loved me. He flattered me constantly, made me feel so good and I regret the fact that I didn’t have the confidence to tell him when he upset me and share my concerns with him more often. I was just so terrified of losing him. Because he was my first proper boyfriend, I’m scared I’ll never get over him, scared I’ll never love anyone like I loved him, scared no-one will love me like he loved me. The moment I broke up with him I just wanted to go running back to him, take back everything I said. It was like all our relationship flaws suddenly disappeared and I just wanted to be in his arms. I wake up in the morning thinking it was just a nightmare, but it’s real. I still care about him a great deal and it hurt so much to see how devastated and confused he was with my decision. My head is screaming that it was the right thing to do, but my heart is still full of regret. When will it get better?
Please help I feel like I’m drowning in depression/regret and it’s all my own fault i broke up with my ex over a year ago after over 2 years together I suffer from depression and don’t work because of it I don’t have many friends and isolate myself as I have no self esteem,my ex absolutely adored me and would have done anything for me he dedicated his life to making me happy and was so loving but I felt constantly irritated by everything he did and the physical attraction wasn’t there for me but now they seem such shallow and fickle reasons in the end I would find myself making sure I was in bed before he got home from work late to avoid spending time with him, I hurt him so much and have since apologised profusely for my selfish actions and he accepted it,it took me nearly a year to realise what I threw away and now he has moved on I feel so incredibly lonely and I can’t believe what I threw away I feel like nobody will ever love me so much and be so committed to me ever again as I have nothing to offer I literally feel suicidal the pain is so overwhelming I can’t eat or sleep I can’t even get out of bed in the morning I’ve been to the dr and I’m on anti depressants but I feel I will have to live with this regret for the rest of my life and I can’t bare it please tell me does the pain of regret ever get easier? I feel so desperate
Tbags, all I can say is that you would probably be feeling equally as depressed and suicidal if you had stayed in the relationship. I am with a lovely guy who really loves me and would do anything to stay together, but I wake up having panick attacks every night with doubts over whether it’s the right relationship. I’ve never been so depressed and suicidal in my life. I’ve been like this for 8 years and it’s hell.
I think the solution is to get out there and meet people, as hard as it might be. I feel totally stuck, too fearful to move either way, and I’m 35 and might miss out on having kids as a result. At least you’re free now to try and find someone that you don’t feel so much doubt with.
I feel the same, I broke up with him two years ago, I’m still weeping day by day.
I broke up with my boyfriend of five years because of religious differences. He joined my church to try to please me, which I did not want if he didn’t feel it, and then the last year or so, he publicly and privately attacked my religion on an almost daily basis, even when I asked him to stop. It has been very painful. He has a new girlfriend, and sometimes I have regrets that I didn’t do enough to make him happy or to make out relationship work, and I imagine she probably is. I don’t know, of course,. That’s just how my pain is manifesting. I really loved him, but religious persecution and intolerance are not okay.
I am going through the exact same situation right now. It is so difficult to have your security blanket taken away from you even if it is was your own choice and you know it’s for the best. My boyfriend and I dated for two years and he was great to me but there just wasn’t that spark and I felt that I had more growth to do that wasn’t happening in our relationship. I broke up with him which killed him though I was okay at first. Then a few days ago I saw that he was dating another girl and it absolutely killed me. I was so upset and in bed for days filled with regret and tears. I talked to him seeking comfort but it only caused more and more pain knowing that the person who had been there for me for so long was no longer. This post is exactly what I needed to hear right now. Knowing that others have gone through the same pain and recovered gives me so much comfort and hope. I know this will be difficult for a while but I know I will make it with God’s help and that someday I be thankful that I ended our relationship when I did.
This is my first time seeing this blog, and seeing all of these empowering and enlightening comments is quite encouraging. Just a few weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly 6 years. I had dated him all throughout high school and college, envisioned marrying him, buying a house together, having children…the whole works. On a few different occasions we had broken up for a variety of different reasons, but as time went on, we realized that we wanted to be together forever. The only problem was that, even though I thought I wanted all of those things with him, I always felt that I was forcing my aspirations. Recently I had grown more distant from him, still bringing up marriage to alleviate my stresses, but becoming frustrated with the fact that I truly did not feel the same about our relationship as I once had. We had gone through so much together: family differences, long-distance, differing ages, school. But something had been missing for a long time – an issue that we didn’t discuss much, but is increasingly becoming more important to me – FAITH.
Faith in Christ, faith in marriage even though we are young, faith in the power of our relationship and the influence it took before the opinions of others. I feel like faith is what was truly missing, and it hurt me to no end that he did not share the same beliefs as I when it came to God and family. My ex was my best friend. We did everything together and it hurts me every minute of every day that I completely crushed what we once had. I am trying to hold it together and put my faith in the Lord and his teachings, but I can’t help but feel that I did the wrong thing. Even though we were in a happy relationship, I need someone who puts his full faith in the Lord – just as I have been diligently trying to do. I will always love him, but I know that God will show me the way.
LOL … just to be clear I’m reading stories by women who: broke up with a great guy while sobbing and not being able to give a good reason why … over some thing that they can’t quite put their finger on … & instead of admitting a serious idiotic mistake they have faith that someday they’ll be happy with this decision? LOL That’s a great plan. Rock solid thinking.
So princess is too dumb to realize no one is perfect? Oops. Princess thinks that her unhappiness is the mans fault?
ATTENTION IDIOT: If you’re filled with doubt or fear for no real reason you need help. Professional help. Blaming some other person who doesn’t abuse you for your problems won’t solve them. You’ll take them where you go.
Ha ha ha … Some of these princesses are worried about what their BF thought or felt about “the lord” or some event that has not yet come to pass? For real? These things take precedence over … the way he treats you, or the kind of person he is?
Good comment. Had my BF break up with me twice after 4 years, with reasons that dont even exist yet, and we never tried to find out if those reasons would even be a burden long term. Says im amazing and bla bla, but wants to be left alone. For him its just another breakup, but for me it was moving miles and miles to another country to have short distance, giving him a second chance. Im giving my love to people who need it, like needy kids. Im done with him.
I think that if you can’t say why you feel or think something then you got to ask yourself is this even real? It’s been my experience that people who don’t want to say their reasons are hiding something that would make them look bad.
The whole thing about it’s almost perfect so I’ll hold out for perfect is crazy! What, people are perfect? Get it together.
This is exactly what I needed today. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years just yesterday. 6 months into our relationship he found out he had gotten a girl pregnant before we started dating and she was due very soon. It rocked my world. I had always said I wouldnt be with someone with children. But the mother took the child and wouldn’t let him see her. He was heartbroken. So I stayed. After years together he lost passion for his career and worked retail for 2 years. He hated it but never tried to finish his masters to get a better job. I slowly lost respect for him bc I was busting my butt with a full time job and getting my masters at night. I love him so much but I just felt like something was missing. I’ve been crying all day bc I don’t know if I did the right thing. He was so hurt and so shocked. But for years I’ve watched him lose his ambition. And now his child is back in the picture and I’m not ready for that. We are in our late 20s and I thought he was the one. Now I’m not so sure. And I’m so heart broken but I think it’s for the best. At least I think.
Since there seem to be mostly women on here I’m going to try and get some free advice. My situation is similar but the sexes are reversed. I broke up with my gf of almost 2 years a couple months ago. It was mainly just a gut feeling on my part(or what I will now think of as “the missing fireplace effect”). She is truly an amazing person and we got along great I just think we aren’t right for each other. She has taken everything really hard. So far I have tried very hard to be there for her. I’ve sat on the phone for hours listening to her go back and forth between telling me she loves me and calling me every name in the book. I’ve always kind of thought it is best to give people space after a break up so that was my strategy at first but she asked me to be more accessible. My question is this: am I making things worse by being more accessible? I don’t want to be rude and ignore her because I still care very deeply for her but I’m afraid that me being available to her all the time might drag out the healing process for her. Am I being crazy and/or selfish?
Honestly, it sounds like you’ve been as compassionate as you could. And it may be time to cut the cord now. I’m sure it will be difficult as you already seem to feel guilty for doing what you truly felt was right for you (breaking up). She is hurt by it, and since you do care for her it’s only natural that you feel terrible about and don’t want her to be in pain. But you are exactly correct in thinking that staying connected this way is dragging out the healing process. She may not realize it, or she may know and just not care, but continuing to rely on you for some sort of comfort or person she can vent to is not helping anything. Healing cannot begin until the connection is truly cut.
Believe me, I understand how hard it is to not give in to the person you feel you have hurt. But time and true space apart is the only thing that will help her (and you) to move forward and eventually feel at peace. I wish my ex and I could have truly let go when we broke up. I’m the one who did the breaking but still I didn’t want to let go any more than he did. It has only prolonged the pain. And now we may never be able to come back together as friends or as anything, even just two people who share history and can appreciate the good we brought into each other’s lives at one time.
I don’t know how you should go about finally breaking free, maybe others can speak from experience and help. Maybe maybe you could write to her, real mail, and reiterate that you care for her but need both of you to move forward. Maybe say that you have been worried about seeming rude or as if you don’t care, but that now you’ve realized you’re not helping her to move on and you won’t do that anymore because it will drag the pain out longer. I don’t know. I wish you luck in dealing with things. She will be alright and so will you. It will just take time.
Do you still have contact? Do you regret it? im in a similar situation!
Thank you SO MUCH to the author of this blog and to all of you (women and men) who have been so open in contributing your stories, questions and advice. It really does help somehow. Gives me hope. I feel like I could burst into tears any moment. The author’s story seems very similar to mine. I feel immense regret, sadness and guilt. Not so much for the breakup with my boyfriend but for how it made him feel. How I made him feel. I really hurt him. I’d say not intentionally, but in hindsight I think, how could I have thought I was doing anything but hurting him?
In the beginning of our relationship, I was Supergirlfriend. I really did everything right. I was so in love and so good at letting my actions show that. I was open, sincere, honest and completely devoted to this man. And he deserved every bit of love, friendship and adoration that I gave. But as in most of my past relationships, I reached a point (two years or so in) when I started to lose energy and began to feel trapped in the relationship. Deep down I’m not happy with myself, and I think because of that, when I’m in a relationship I ultimately begin to feel like I can’t measure up to some ideal or expectations that I’ve set for myself. It’s so unfair to the other person, who has set no such expectations for me. I do see that now.
My ex adored me. He was content and never asked me to be or do more than I alread was. But unfortunately, once I hit that point of feeling overwhelmed, I began to sabotage everything. I pulled away, got focused on someone I’d had a crush on in the past, was unfaithful to my boyfriend, my best friend. He forgave me wholeheartedly for messing up, but it wasn’t enough for me. Once I’d messed up I felt like it could never be fixed, the relationship would be tarnished forever. So I decided we needed to break up. That was two years ago. I don’t even remember exactly what excuses I made as to why we had to break up, but I know I wasn’t honest. I didn’t say the insanity I felt, which was hey, now that I’ve ruined our relationship, I need for us to break up so that at least I know I’m not holding you back from finding someone who actually deserves you. He’d never have gone for that. He loved me so much and truly believed in me. That’s why he forgave me. But I couldn’t let it go. So I just said I felt trapped, that I couldn’t be in a relationship anymore, that he was a wonderful partner but I just needed to move on, and some other BS I don’t recall. He was hurt, but he really wanted to try to stay connected as friends. I wanted him in my life too, though I knew that would eventually end too. I was always waiting for the day it would. It finally came last week.
Nine months after we broke up, I entering a relationship with the crush I’d had before. I never talked to my ex about it. We just kept things very general, very safe when we talked or saw each other. But I always thought he suspected I was dating, and probably dating that guy. I guess curiosity finally got the best of him when he’d frequently see my car in a neighborhood where I guess he has to travel through for work. And he looked up the address of the house. Of course he found the first initial, last name of the occupant and knew who it was. After a few unanswered messages to him I finally got a text from him explaining all this, that he knew who I was seeing, that he’d had an eerie feeling about it and now knew for sure. He wasn’t mean. He said really there was a lot of good from our relationship, a lot that he learned that he thought made him better. He said he’d been so hurt with the break up that he’d closed himself off from things, from love. But now he knew that was wrong. He said if this guy was what I wanted and I was happy that he was glad for me (I’m not! This isn’t what I truly wanted.) And he said he knew I’d be fine and that I knew he’d be fine too. And he asked that I not respond, he’d only contacted me because he didn’t want me to keep writing him and wonder why I wasn’t getting replies. Then he said goodbye. The actual word goodbye.
So I know that’s it. What I was always waiting for. The end. Though I’m glad he will move on and open himself up to receive the love he deserves, I’m plagued with the guilt still and regretful for so much. I feel like I’ll never truly be over it, though I know I can’t wallow in regret forever if I hope to grow and become better and actually enjoy life. I just pray that he recognizes nothing was his fault, that he was enough and that I was the one who was wrong. I made those mistakes, and only because of things going on inside of me. I pray that one day I will move past my mistakes, let the past go and focus on putting more love and light into the world. Of course I know I can’t fully do that until I start with me. But for whatever reason, it is so hard!
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that took the time to write a response both positive and negative. This post has honestly given me more solace and peace than talking to any of my friends has.
I just broke up with my ex recently. We have been going through a rough patch for while now and we had decided to stick through things and work it out. Unfortunately with graduate school lurking around the corner, I had doubts in my mind about whether or not taking it long-distance was what I really wanted. I could tell the hurt behind his voice as he said he could see it coming. Before reading this post I had felt so stupid. I felt like something was wrong with me that I had maybe commitment issues, because here is this amazing guy who has expressed more than once that is willing to go to the end of the world for me and I couldn’t even make up my mind as to whether I could do the same. I like him, in fact with time I could see myself falling in love with him, but something felt like it was missing. I feel horrible for the pain that I have caused him and a part of me will always feel something special for him, but I know in my heart that this is not what falling head over heels for someone is like. If I really loved and was meant to be with him I wouldn’t be doubting myself as much as I am in this very moment. And now I see that with time God’s plans will unveil themselves and I will see that everything truly works out in the end and I wish that we both find people that are truly meant for us.
From your experiences, my question and worry is now, how do I go about not losing the friendship? I really care about him and he is going through a lot and I want to be there for him for it. I don’t want us to become strangers and never talk to each other again. Is that wrong of me to expect that? How do I go about giving him space without losing the friendship we have? And is it wrong that I want to send him a text saying how sorry I am for the pain I’ve caused him?
I left my fiance of 3 years about a month and a half ago. He had rage issues, we fought quite a lot but he was also very loving and sweet. He would pound his fists into his own head (HARD) in anger when he’d get mad at me, but he never physically hit me. I suggested counseling once, but he refused. I was under a lot of stress but I love him so much. I decided to look into a job offer back in the state I moved from to be with him and I got the job. My Mom saw his anger since she was there temporarily with us, and warned me NOT to let him know that I was leaving him becausebshe thought he’d snap and she’d have to “bury her daughter”. He went to work one day, and came home to find me and my things gone. He was devastated and couldn’t believe that I moved out with no warning and says that he would have “never hit me”. I feel incredibly guilty and depressed and miss and love him so much. In preparation for me leaving , I had to lie to him for my reason for going our of town (I was going for the interview but I couldn’t tell him that). I feel horrible and guilty for following my Moms advice because although we had our issues, I know that he loved me and I still love him. He doesn’t want to try and work it out because he says he can’t trust me ever again and his family doesn’t like the way that I left him. I did nothing with an I’ll intent, and I wanted to talk to him so bad before I left, but I listened to my Mom and now I regret it. I’m having trouble getting over the guilt even though her hasn’t acknowledged his part in this.I am so depressed and thinking that I made the wrong decision.
You’re all idiots and something is wrong with you and not them. After being alone for a while or shitty relationships you will realize what you are missing. Many times people break up for the wring reason and don’t even realize they are in love or it is their commitment issue. Problem is all of you
If you ladies regret breaking up with your man, then you all should take the first step and contact him, apologize, and do your best to win him back. It seems that most women are too insecure to admit their mistakes and try to prove their love to the man they want.
Call your man and do your best to make it work.