Falling For Someone You Shouldn’t Be With….

QUESTION

I have been reading your blog for some time now. I recently broke up with my Mr. Right For Now and like you said I thought I wouldn’t care losing him, BUT I DO. I literally cried myself to sleep last night. It has been such a confusing break up for me because when we broke up I had all of these things that I knew weren’t right for me in the long run and now that it is over I am questioning everything. Why does this happen? The thing is when we began dating I was head over heels, thought he was the one, but as the relationship progressed I started feeling like something was missing. I even at one point in time had an old guy friend contact me and I questioned if I had feelings for him. Time passed and I realized I needed to get out of this relationship but I felt trapped because he is such a good guy and does treat me so well blah blah blah, but there was just something missing. Needless to say after all of this I am left sad and confused, thinking there is something wrong with me. Feeling like I may never find the right person God has created for me, questioning if he is even out there. I even found myself questioning last night why God would let me fall for someone that didn’t know if he believed in God. (My recent breakup didn’t know if he believed, also a reason I felt I had to get out). I’m not really sure where I am going with this “question” to you but you always have had wise words of wisdom in your blog that have helped me and I guess I am looking for that, if there are even wise words for this situation I have gotten myself into.

Cara

ANSWER

Cara,

I recently responded to a girl who was going through a similar situation, and in the past I broke up with a guy that wasn’t a Christian and shared it with you all.  While I was reading your question it reminded me of my dear friend.  She was with a man for 5 years.  5 YEARS.  She absolutely adored him.  They loved music, he was a singer, and she helped him with his band. Her whole life revolved around him, until one day she realized that she wasn’t progressing in life.  She took a step back, looked at her life, and saw that she didn’t grow at all.

In the 5 years she was with him, she didn’t grow closer to God, she didn’t marry him, and she lost sight of all her life goals and plans. It took her 5 years to even realize she was lost. Her boyfriend didn’t believe in God and he didn’t see marriage or children in his future.

She felt very sad when she looked back on the years she had lost and how far she had strayed away from God.  So she made a tough decision, she decided to breakup with him. I’m not going to lie, I have never seen someone go through so much pain before.  She was devastated… He was devastated… And when you’re both devastated, the easiest thing to do is “get back together.”

I’m going to be honest with you… Getting back together is not a good option.  Sometimes you need to tear the bandaid off.  There will be pain, but you will heal.  She ended up tearing the bandaid off and moving to be near family. It was a very painful experience for her, but when she looks back on it, she knows there was purpose in it all.

Long story short, after time and healing, she met her dream man at a church event. He plays music and is in a band. He proposed to her after a year of dating, and she said yes.  They had a beautiful wedding, and years later a precious little girl.  She reached all of her dreams, and she wouldn’t have been able to do all of this if she stayed with that other man. He was holding her back.

My friend’s boyfriend never got saved, but God definitely spared her from a life of disappointment. Sometimes we take so much pride in what we think is best when God has something so much better in store for us.  It’s like being so excited about a little Dum-Dum lollipop when God’s offering you one of those big Disney lollipops on a gigantic stick. Weird metaphor, but just go with it…

Cara, God has amazing plans for you.  Sometimes we go through trials like this because it helps us grow.  Trials test us, mold us, and direct our path. It reminds me of this scripture:

Bless our God, O peoples!
Give him a thunderous welcome!
Didn’t he set us on the road to life?
Didn’t he keep us out of the ditch?
He trained us first,
passed us like silver through refining fires,
Brought us into hardscrabble country,
pushed us to our very limit,
Road-tested us inside and out,
took us to hell and back;
Finally he brought us
to this well-watered place.

Cara, it will be hard, but you’ve got to be hopeful.  Take this time to work on yourself.  Go to church and get involved in a local club or bible study.  Maybe you can tell your ex that this breakup might be temporary… Maybe God will work on his heart and you can revisit the situation later on.  In times like this it’s better to just tell yourself you won’t date for 6 months to a year.  It will help you layout boundaries for yourself.  Call up your friends and have a girl’s night… Even if it’s been awhile, reconnect with your friends.  You need support…

I think you can do this.

Love,

Diamond